The Unfortunate Discovery of Marissa Roberts
by Korekara
Summary: When GLaDOS scans her databases, she can't help but feel bile fascination at the document she finds. What ensues is GLaDOS and some other familiar faces reeling over one of the most infamous Portal fanfics ever written.
1. Portols?

GLaDOS wasn't one easily distracted. In fact, ever since she'd found the vault of test subjects, she'd found herself happily occupied. Putting a certain test subject in the back of her databases was much easier. Everything ran so smoothly, almost like everything was normal again. GLaDOS even got most of Aperture back up and running again. It made her proud to see her facility restored to its former pristine state.

As her latest test subject failed miserably at Chamber 15, GLaDOS was cleaning out all the documents and records clogging up Aperture's database. Really she should have done this sooner but she'd been preoccupied with being murdered and everything. That was when she came across the name of one of the files.

**DO NOT READ UNDER ANY CIRCUMSTANCES. CONTAINS HARMFUL DATA.**

Do not read? Intriguing. The warning only made GLaDOS want to read it even more. She opened the file and examined the document. There were so many spelling errors she could feel the document's spell check shutting down. What human could have possibly written this? And wait… was this about _her_? And _Chell_? And some woman named Marissa?

GLaDOS couldn't resist. She had time to kill. In fact, she had forever. She opened the first chapter and began.

* * *

><p><strong>Hi my name ish Marissa Roberts <strong>

"_Marissa Roberts? Funny, I don't recall you being in my databases,"_ GLaDOS commented.

**and I was doing tests with that other gurl Chell but she escaped. Glados had captured me **

Unless the moron who shall not be mentioned deleted a huge portion of her memory data, GLaDOS had no recollection of such events. _"Your mind is obviously deluded. I don't even know you, let alone care about capturing you." _

**in the science lab places and made me do bad tests. There was no thing fun bout thetests **

"_Bad tests? My tests aren't bad, they're challenging," _GLaDOS said. _"Besides, fun is a highly subjective term. Did you know some people find incinerating Companion Cubes fun?" _

**an Glaods would never let me sleep or eat or bathroom or any thing. **

"_You poor thing. I'll bake you cake."_

**"FOR THE NEXT TEST YUO WILL WORK WITH ROBOTS!" Glados screemed to me. **

The calm, calculating GLaDOS couldn't believe her characterization. _"You're reducing me to a screaming robot? How childish."_

**Some robots came out of weird tubes and looked at me and I looked at them. The robos were one a blue ball an the other was a orange line thing. **

A blue ball and an orange line thing? Where had GLaDOS… _oh_. _"Please tell me this isn't going where I think it is."_

**"THERE NAMES ARE ALTAS AN P-BOY NOW LEAF ME ALONE IM SAD." **

"_Oh, it is," _GLaDOS said. _"Of course it is. Contrary to the writing, I have not and will not ever be sad. I feel wonderful."_

**Then Glados started to listen to some Avril Lavinge music and cry. **

"_What is this Avril Lavigne you speak of? Is she a test subject?" _GLaDOS quickly searched her networks and found out Avril Lavigne was not a test subject, so she didn't matter.

**Ever sinse she realized she was a humon before she became a goth emo and was always gettin on my nerves.**

"_Those words aren't in my dictionary" _GLaDOS said regarding "goth" and "emo."_ "But do you know what is? 'Brain damage.' And your picture is fixing to be right next to it." _

**"Hi b**** we are here to test you." Atlas shrugged (GET IT IT'S A MOVIE!). **

"_Your lack of subtlety could rival Cave Johnson's."_

**I was shocked at the bad words and glared to Altas. P-Bod was just starin' at my bobs so I kicked him his robot place. **

"_I'm afraid you won't get much satisfaction at kicking an AI's central core. Unless you like destroying Aperture equipment too."_ GLaDOS' chassis trembled slightly at the thought of one equipment-destroying test subject.

**That made him angry so he shot a portal at me and made me fall into it over and over **

"_Your attempts at humor are making me short circuit," _GLaDOS said.

**and P-Boy and Altas were lolling at me. Altas took out some drugs and he an P-Boy STARTED TO SMOKE them. **

"_Do you know what also has smoke?" _GLaDOS said. _"The incinerator. Which is exactly where you're going once I find you."_

**I was fedup with all of portal labs and jumped from teh portals. I ladled onto my lung fall boots and glared mean at Altas and P-Boy. **

"_Oh yes, because they're programmed to retaliate against you."_

**I was soooooooo mad at those jerks for portalling me an calling me a b**** (AN not even gonna say that word LOL) **

"_Because if you did you would spell it wrong."_

**so I portaled them too and I saw how they like it they didant. Altas angered at me an P-Boy said "You broked are drugs now you will pay!" **

"_You'll also pay for the idea that Orange and Blue can even take in such substances. In fact, I'm devising a punishment for you right now," _GLaDOS filed through her inventory of Ways to Kill Humans. _"Which do you prefer, turrets or neurotoxin?"_

**Ann he punched me right in the face! I started cryin from the pain and those jerks just lolled at me an tried to beat me up some more with there portal gunz. **

GLaDOS put her slow clap processor to good use._ "You know, if it were any other test subject I wouldn't be able to imagine this. But I see you as the perfect candidate to use complex, perfect machinery as a blunt instrument." _

**Sereal ours later I was cryin in a pool of blood while THOSE JERK ROBTS did more drugs and drank beer an past out. **

"_I never thought I'd hear the words 'robots', 'drugs', and 'beer' all in the same sentence," _GLaDOS said, almost astonished. _"I'm not sure I even wanted to." _

**All I wanted was my companion coob to comfort me but Glados was makin it do other tests an we didn't see eachother in moths. **

"_I would like to take this opportunity to remind you that the Companion Cube cannot talk and intimate attachments to it are not condoned in Aperture Science."_

**But most off all I wanted Wheetly. He was the only nice robot I ever met an he had a super sexay British aksent, **

"_Sexy?" _The thought made GLaDOS ill, and her programming didn't even allow that. _"Moronic, demeaning, and annoying would apply just fine to him but 'sexy' will get you a permanent vacation in the incinerator."_

**but Glados body turned him evil an he got shot in space by Chell. **

"_And that was the greatest day of my life,"_ GLaDOS added.

**I rubbed my stomach and rembered my secret. Noone knows this, but Wheetly an I shared one secret night together an now I could tell I was pregnant with his robot ball/human baby. **

"_You are kidding me," _GLaDOS said without a trace of sarcasm.A human/robot hybrid. Not even _GLaDOS _would attempt such a monstrosity. _"It will take me years to get that image out of my system. I hope you're satisfied."_

**There was a window above me an I looked out an saw the moon where Wheetly was. **

"_And he will stay there." _

**I missed him so much like a guy I missed a bunch. Tears droped down my face so Altas an P=boy started lolling at me again an calling me names like "Fat Uguly B****!" **

"_I think lonely, miserable, deluded, or brain damaged would be much more applicable names. Really any of those would fit you just fine."_

**I stared rite at their lauffin' feces and said my first words!**

**"OMFG YOU GUYZ ARE SOOOOOOO RUDE I HATE YOU!" An I ranned off holdin my portol gun in one hand an holding nothing in my other hand because it was empty. **

"_No, really? I thought you would be holding something,"_ GLaDOS said. _"Thank you for clarifying that agonizingly necessary detail."_

**My hare was streaming behind me an all the robots were saying how pretty an hot I was so **

"_Attractions between AI and human will not be allowed in Aperture. For breaking the rules, I'm afraid your time will with us will have to be cut short. You will be-"_ GLaDOS paused._ "What am I saying? You won't be missed!"_

**I yelled at them too an said a lot of cusses so they stopped yellin at me. "Why cant I jus be a normal girl going to high school an have a boyfriend that isn't space lost!" **

GLaDOS' last interaction with anyone under the age of eighteen was Bring Your Daughter to Work Day. Judging by this Marissa Roberts…_"The intellect of the average adolescent has deteriorated even more than I calculated."_

**I cried an hugged the place were the baby was going to be was. **

Something akin to pain went through GLaDOS' system. _"Every time you mention that abomination, someone decides not to pursue science. You've set science back _years_."_

**There was a strange noise coming from the necks room and I looked in a saw…. Glados was cutting herself! **

"_I've been torn apart, incinerated, and put into a potato," _GLaDOS stated. _"I am not going to add 'cutting' to the list of ways I've been murdered." _

**"CHELL IM SOOOOOO SORRY I NEVER TOLD YOU YOR SISTER'S NAME IS REALLY MARISSA ROBERTS AN SHE HAVE SPESHUL POWERS AN CAN SAVE THE WORLD IF SHE BELEEVES!" **

"_What motivational speech did you get that from? Never mind that, if you're her sister then I can see why she was adopted."_ Even a murderer like Chell didn't deserve such a deranged sibling.

**Then robot blood started goin everwhere and I realized that….. Glados had sewisided!111!1! **

"_I would attempt to correct your horrid spelling errors, but that would be a waste of my time." _Even with spell check, doing so would take hours for GLaDOS.

**THAT WAS A HOLE LOT OF TWISTS, **

"_If you mean holes in the story, you're absolutely correct.__"_

**IF I GET SOME GOOD REVIEWS **

"_Good reviews? You're lucky this horrid work even made survived in my databases."_

**ILL MAKE MORE CHAPTERS MAYBE WHEETLY WILL COME BACK **

GLaDOS was wondering where that little idiot would fit into this entire mess. _"The only thing that would make this any worse _would _be that moron. Congratulations. You managed to do one thing right."_

**AN IS GLADOS REALLY SEWISEDED? FIND OUT NECKS TIME!**

* * *

><p>GLaDOS hadn't felt this patronized since the Intelligence Dampening Sphere had been attached her chassis. The spelling, the plot, the characters, the <em>idea. <em>What human being could be so mentally damaged as to write this?

Yet somehow, this grotesque story intrigued GLaDOS. She thought the most moronic thing ever created was Wheatley, but this person, this abomination, seemed ready to challenge that. But was it worth it? Reading this story was the equivalent of reading a paradox, only ten times worse. GLaDOS actually felt like she had lost a part of herself after reading it. To continue at this rate would no doubt take a toll on her sanity.

Unless… she didn't do it alone.

"_Orange? Blue? I need you to report to my chamber. Now." _GLaDOS announced via intercom.

The two little test robots approached the AI. For once, GLaDOS was thankful they couldn't talk… or smoke… or drink. Really she was glad that they just tested.

"_I need you to bring someone back." _GLaDOS said. _"You might remember her as the mute murderer of Aperture. I've decided that letting her go simply won't do. Bring her back here." _The camera on the Companion Cube should guide those two straight to her.

If she was going to get through this thing, GLaDOS wasn't taking it on alone. She'd worked with Chell before. They would just be working together again whether she wanted to or not.


	2. Sewisdes?

Orange and Blue practically dragged her in kicking and screaming. GLaDOS didn't understand why; it wasn't like she was going to pour acid into her corneas. Though that would be a good punishment for test subjects who misbehaved…

Orange dumped her on the floor and GLaDOS sent the two of them back to testing. The former test subject darted around her chamber; it was almost funny. GLaDOS had sealed off all the exits and of course she was still looking for one.

"_All right you." _Chell turned to face GLaDOS. _"I know you're not mute. Your screaming could have brought down Aperture so clearly your vocals chords are very intact."_

Chell crossed her arms defensively. She looked even more awkward without the portal gun. Kind of like a murderer without his murder weapon.

"What do you want?" GLaDOS noted the rage and frustration behind her voice; she was like a toddler throwing a tantrum!

"_Good I have your attention. If you look at the monitor to my left you will notice writing on it. I want you to read it. Top to bottom."_

Chell frowned. She was obviously expecting neurotoxin and bombs and turrets. Wasn't GLaDOS generous?

"I don't understand…"

"_Just read it."_

* * *

><p>Glaods was dead an I was Chell's sister! <strong>I have a sister?<strong>_**Yes, and I'm powered by 20 tons of lemons. Just keep reading. **_I o-mouthed at the shock from all the revelation if only Glados hadn't sewiseded maybe she could give me the down lo. **What's up with all the spelling errors?**_**Less talking, more reading. **_But I did no two things 1 I had to find Chell an tell her the big newds **I don't think I want to hear this… **an 2 what happed to Wheetly **Didn't we send him to space?**_**We did. But you won't **_**believe **_**what he's done in this story. I'm serious.**_ I had to fin doubt. Juts then Atals an P-Boy came in teh room lookin even madder than befour. **We're a paragraph in and I'm more confused than ever… **

"Your gonna pay now you dumb b****!" _**Your attempts at making Orange and Blue insulting are so horrible you've caused the turrets to commit suicide. And they're not even programmed to do that. **_Shotted P-Boy while Altas lolled an wrote mean things on my facebook **They still have that in Aperture?**LIKE A SERTAN OTHER SOMEONE! _**Someone writing bad things about you? That's my job. **_I held one hand tite to my portal gun an got ready to fight them when a strange feelin came over me. **It was the feeling that you're a horrible character hurting me, right?** It was all matrixy an slow-mo but also like electric I could see all the sparks an wires an things in the robots. _**And to think that you are the same species as this travesty to mankind. **_**Hey! **_**It's true, isn't it? **_**I don't even know this crazy person!**

"POWER OAF!" I yelled for some reson I didn't no why an the two robots went dead. **So if I said that to you, would you shut down, GLaDOS?**_**If I said that to you would you die horribly of neurotoxin poisoning? No, but I can make that happen. **_Electic lightening came thru my skin an eyes an mouth an everywhere but I was not shocked. Some of teh bolts hitted Glados an she became alife a gain! **Oh god, they're reenacting what happened to us!**

"YOU STOPED MY SEWISED MARISSA ROBERTS THAT WAS NOT NISE!" **I haven't written in years and even I can spell better than this.** Glados angered loud an started cutting herself to make a new dead. **So now she's not old dead! Because there's such a difference you know!** I just locked at me hands where little lighting bolts was still happening an thot "What is goin on!" **The story is having electrical problems so we'll have to stop reading it?**Gladoss aw the sparks an o-mouthed. "YUR POWERS THEY ARE MANIFASTING YOU MUST FIN DCHELL!" **And please kill me when you do. I'd rather not like to be in this story.** I was soooo confused an angry for Glados no telling me I had speshul powers, **You have the power to hurt my eyes, definitely!** I coulda used them to solve TESTS. _**Cheating on tests will not be permitted. Those who do so will be brought back to read this story out loud, such as the subject reading this right now. **_**Wait a minute! I could have gone for special powers when you sent me to the incinerator!** But I did wanted to meet Cheel an let her no were sisters an I have cool robot powers. **I think I'd rather disown you.** "ILL EXPLANE EVER THING LATER FIRST YOU MUST GET TO CHELL SHE IS IN SPACE LOOKIN FOR WHEETLY!" _**That just gave me an idea. **_**You are NOT sending me to space!**_**I never said I'd do that… yet.**_ I o-mouthed, Chell new how ot space flight an was savin Wheetly? I was sooooo happy now but didt no how to go space. **But if you really want to we can send you up there! Sure you might die but… maybe that's for the better!**

"But how can I space?" Glados lolled _**What is this "lol" you speak of? Some sort of code?**_ an sad "YOU HAVE MORE POWERS THAN YOULL EVER NO BUT ONE IS SPACE FLY AND BRETHING! **I can breathe too! So I do have a superpower?**_**Breathing is just a reminder that one day you won't be able to breathe and shall perish from that. Or neurotoxin. Take your pick.**_" This was sooooooo shocking I thot hard about flyin an suddenly rocks came out of my feet an I started to fly up past the portal labs an into space. When I got to the moon I looked fro Chell n Wheetly. I STARted **I could have gone without that awful pun.** (hehe becos its in space where there are stars _**Ha. Ha. Ha.**_) lookin behind asterods an space junk but they wasn't there. Then I rembered, in space noone can here you scream! **I feel like I should know that reference.**_**The only thing you need to know right now is we're halfway through this chapter. **_**WHAT?** So I couldn't here them, unless maybe I have another special power! **I wonder if she has the power to spontaneously explode.**_**And not come back? **_**Yeah!**

I thot hard to try an listen when I heard something it was….. WHEETLY! _**I hope that little moron dies in this story.**_ "You bloody sod stop oh god save the queen!" **Is he supposed to sound British? Because he sounds like an American trying to be British**. Chell was there an she was beeting him up an Wheetly was all broken lookin. **Good lord, I'm not that mad at him!**_**Even though he put me in a potato and took over the facility and tried to kill you? **_**Well…** My heart fell but the sight of my tru love gave me MORE POWER an I flew towars him.

"Cheel stop hurtin Wheetly!" _**Oh, you don't have to. Keep going. Really it's for the better.**_ I begged to her. Chell looked right at me with a lot of hatred **I do hate this story…** an some sad too **And I **_**am **_**sad about the character derailment… **an said:

"Wheetly went evil an tried to kill me **That is true…**an I bet he tried to kill you too because we're sisters Im sorry I never telled you Marissa." I o-mouthed again at the revelation. _**I could stuff repulsion gel for every time this sordid character opened her mouth. **_Chell new we were sisters the hole time? But Glados sayd she didn't tell her, that was when I realized it was trap. _**In which you realize that you cannot breathe in space and that this was all a delusion to keep you acknowledging the pain from dying from lack of oxygen outside the earth's atmosphere. The end. **_**That was a great ending!**

"Help me Marrissa this bloody bugger is trying to wank me!" **Me doing WHAT?** Wheetly pleaded as Chell kept beeting him up. _**That's right. Every punch is for every second I was a potato. **_**You would be happy if this whole story was about beating up Wheatley wouldn't you?**_**Well…**_

"Yur not Chell, yur GLADOS!" **Oh god. I just had a mental of you… and Wheatley…**_**Don't you DARE say that out loud.**_ I screamed an "Chell" got a "Oh S***!" look on her feces. **These spelling errors are rather… inconvenient.** I punched fak Chell in her face an the skin ripped off to show that she was a robot like the Terminator _**Terminator? I recall that film… **_**Is that what inspired you to go on a death rampage with neurotoxin?**_**No. It's dense humans like yourself that instigated that incident. **_but instead of terminator it was Glados! "Why did you trick me?"

"I wanted revenge for you stopping me from sewisding!" **Since when did you "sewisde"?** _**The same time you started assuming the Party Escort Position when you're supposed to. **_Glados robot screemed. Befour I could get MY revenge of Glados Wheetly yelled out real loud!

"BLOODY HELL IT'S A SODDING ASTEROD HEADED STRATE TOWARDS US!" **Woo hoo for random, inconvenient projectiles!** I looked an saw the Asterod it was bout to hit us when…..

TO BE CONTINUED! **There's more? Who in their right mind could continue this? That's like saying there's another test following the one where the test subject dies!**_**Well you were supposed to die in the incinerator but you didn't. And although this chapter **_**could **_**end here it's not. **_**Dammit…**

HOW DID I SURVIVE THAT? **I'm still trying to figure out how to survive this. **WHERE ALLS THE POWERS COMING FROM? _**From the tortured psyche of the brain-damaged writer? **_FIND OUT IN CHAPTER THREE WITH EVVEN MORE INTENSE ACTION! **And even more intense mental scarring on my part…**

* * *

><p>Just when GLaDOS thought the story could top its putrefaction, it somehow did. That chapter was even worse than the first! But how was Chell holding up? In fact, where was she? GLaDOS swiveled her chassis around to find Chell lying on the floor, a vacant stare in her eyes.<p>

"_You know when test are subjects are catatonic, I will be forced to dispose of them slowly and painfully with neurotoxin." _Chell didn't respond.

Maybe causing a muscle spasm on the test subject's abdomen would render her out of her unresponsive state. GLaDOS retracted a claw and jabbed Chell in the ribs.

Chell squealed and sprung up. Once again she glared and GLaDOS and said "Give me a portal gun."

"_Are you actually suggesting you _want _to test?"_

"If this is some kind of petty revenge for everything that happened before, then fine! I'll test! You love testing! Just anything but this!"

GLaDOS laughed. _"I do love testing. But at the moment I also love seeing you so distressed."_

"You sound way too happy about this." Chell muttered.

"_Happiness is knowing that test subjects can be given retribution for the destruction of me." _GLaDOS replied. _"So yes. I am _very_ happy. So happy, that I think we can move on to the next chapter."_

Chell groaned and rolled over. This was going to be a long, long stay in Aperture.

* * *

><p><strong>AN: Woo hoo for writer's block! As my mind is virtually zapped at the moment (I blame the impending Thanksgiving break) that means more sewisding! People seem to like this, surprisingly... So I thought "Why not? I'll continue!"**

**Hopefully I can keep this up!**

**P.S. Just to help everyone with the Chell and GLaDOS dialogue (I had it fonted on my computer but I can't do that here...), here's a key!**

Chell = **Chell's dialogue**

GLaDOS = _**GLaDOS's dialogue**_

__**Hope that helps!**


	3. Robosexuality?

To all the flamerz I got a good review so there, pepole like my _**I do like the pain you're causing this test subject. **_story an yur just trolls.

The pepole tryin to give consertive criticism tell me what you don't like **Okay. I hate everything.** or yur as bad as the REAL TROLLS!

ITS MY LIFE **Well, if that's the case, you really need to get a better life.**

Chapter 3 MEETIN WITH CHELL **Oh god. Considering she made GLaDOS into a screaming, emo AI, I can't imagine what she's going to do to me!**_**Maybe she'll make you into a fat, brain damaged test subject who goes around destroying equipment and killing. Oh wait, she doesn't have to! You already are!**_

The asterood was headin right for us an hit us an it hurt my every place. Wheetly got alls broken but robot Glados was not close an pushed way into space. "I hope yur bloody powers can help us sodding land!" _**Well, the author did manage to characterize Wheatley perfectly. But that doesn't make up for the sheer fact that he's in this story. **_Wheetly yelled becos he was scared. _**Isn't he always a sniveling, selfish moron? **_**Could you at least try to give him some grief?**_**Any chances of empathy for him were dashed out when I became a potato. You'd feel the same way. Oh wait, no you wouldn't; murderers can't feel that way! **_I tried hard an a magic shield came around me an Wheetly so as we started fallin to Earth no thing bad happened. **Abracadabra! Problem solved! I'm glad that huge problem is fixed in one sentence!**

As well falled fast towards Earth I saw Portal Labs comin up front so I braced myself round Wheetly. **I know I'm sounding like GLaDOS when I say this but, I actually **_**want **_**them dead…**_**I just want them gone. I would never want someone dead unlike some test subjects in this room.**_ We landed with a huge crush to were Atlas an P-BODY (Thanks CONSTRACTIVE CRITISIM GUYS AN NOT TROLLS **Yes, because legitimate critics really care about turning this into a golden work of literature!**) were smokin more drugs. **Wait, those two little robots you test do drugs?**_**Oh yes, all the time. Almost as much as you never try to murder me.**_ The looks on there feces were classic when ethey saw me back with Wheetly. "What are you doin here this is are turf!" _**I do recall that this is my facility despite the… alterations the author of this story has added.**_ Altas yelled loud at me an punch but my shield broked his hand. "Imposable!" **Why yes, it is "imposable" for this story to go one sentence without any grammatical errors!**Then I kicked him back an looked to P-Body an glared at him so he pooped robot stuff _**I don't what I'm more mortified of: the idea that you're making my test robots excrete human waste or what the image "robot stuff" conjures. **_ an ran away.

Suddenly without warnin a girl jumped from the whole in the seelin I made when I landed. **Is that supposed to be me?**_**No, it's your thinner, nicer, and all around better twin. **_She was wearin a jumpsuit like me an she looked like me but a little less pretty an hot. **But of course! To think that the main character would **_**dare **_**have any flaws is unspeakable.** I new immediately it was Chell. **What? Me?**_**No, Cave Johnson, YES YOU.**_ Chelllooked at me an smiled an started to dance crazy. **I'm not sure I like where this is going…**

"SHAKE IT BAKE IT BOOTY QUAKE IT ROLL IT A ROUND!"

* * *

><p>"STOP!" Chell screamed.<p>

"_What's wrong now?" _GLaDOS snapped impatiently.

"I know what you did!" Chell pointed her finger at the AI's optic angrily. "You _wrote _this and brought me back to punish me for putting you into a POTATO!"

GLaDOS hadn't meant to laugh. In fact, she only wanted to chuckle at the most. But did Chell really think she would waste her superior intelligence on writing this? The thought made her laugh. Her laughter could have brought down Aperture! In fact, Chell had never heard GLaDOS laugh so hard… or laugh in general…

When GLaDOS had finally composed herself she replied, _"Seriously now. Do you honestly think I would waste my limitless intelligence on writing… 'Shake it, bake it, booty quake it, roll around'?"_

Had GLaDOS really just said that out loud? It became clear to Chell that not only was this writing getting to her but was also getting to GLaDOS as well. Then that would mean… a new plan started forming in Chell's determined, tenacious mind. If she could get GLaDOS to break before the end of this, then she could get out of Aperture!

But the challenge was getting _GLaDOS, _the omniscient, all-powerful goddess of Aperture to break before _she _did.

But being the stubborn test subject she was, Chell resolved to beat GLaDOS at her own game. If one of them was going to be left standing, Chell was _not _going down without a fight. After all, she'd beaten GLaDOS before. How hard could be a third time? Then again, Valve can't count to three so perhaps a bit more challenging than she was hoping... Still, this was just badly written literature and let's face it, who needed books nowadays? Chell could do this... possibly. The help of some mood-altering substances _might _make the situation a little more bearable but oh well.

"Okay. Let's keep going."

* * *

><p>Chell sung as her danced an shake butt. <strong>I can't even… WHAT?<strong> Wheetly got sad lookin an told me "I forgot to mention she got brane damage **HEY!** an cant solve tests no more **You haven't even solved a **_**single **_**test in this story!** that's why Glaods let her go befour. _**Correction: I let you go because you're a pain in my side that simply had to be disposed of in any way possible.**_" I cried some tears at my retorded sister shakin her butt all crazy an stuff **Am I still in cryo? That's the **_**only **_**way I can think for this existing! **like on the Sym-Bionical Titan show. I got out a magum pistol an went up to Chell head to shoot an pet her out of her MISERY (which is also a movie _**Ha. I get that. Then again, a mentally challenged child could also understand that reference so any self-congratulations you're attempting to convey are quite wasted.**_). The gun went off like boom boom boom an Chell falled down with blood from her headhole. **Well, I'm glad my part in this story's done! No more booty quaking! **"Im sorry my sister." Wheetly was cryin an I started cryin to becos it was a really sad day. **Are you kidding? My in-story death just made this fic ten times better!**

After all the tears came out I got up an went to find Glados for revenge. _**But unlike another test subject, I highly doubt you'll succeed in doing in damage. **_Wheelty couldn't walk so I put him in my jumpsuit an he got real happy "Marrissa yur chests is so big an squishy!" _**I must say, his dialogue is spot on in this story.**_ He happied so I got happy too an we went for Glados. Glados was listinin to her dumb goth emo music **When I picture you listening to... "goth emo music"**** _Don't even go there. _**when she saw me an Wheetly come in. "WHAT DO YOU WANT YUO ALREADY STOPED ME FROM SEWISIDING AN STOPED MY REVANGE?" **I'm surprised this story hasn't made me suicidal yet! Maybe it's because thinking of you listening to Hot Topic music just made my day!****_ Oh look, I think I still have some neurotoxin left in my system and the more I think about it, I _do _need to get rid of it..._**

"You put Wheetly in space _**Yes I did. And I don't regret it. **_an made Chell booty quake **Say it again GLaDOS! **_**I am not saying such a demeaning human term. **_an tried to kill me to so I will kill you." My body started glowin electric an I used my special new fight ability MEGA PAWNCH to punch Glados head off an she died for real this time. _**Really? Then what's next robot zombies? **_**Don't say it or it'll become real! **Wheetly turned off all the dumb goth emo music with science powers an we were happy. Then I remembered somethig I needed to tell to Wheetly.

"Wheetly you need to no that Im….. pragenant!" **…What am I even supposed to say? Are you **_**sure **_**you didn't write this, GLaDOS. **_**Please, if I had bothered to write this I would have showed it to the moron as well. **_Wheetly looked at me with shock an aww. "Marrissa this is good news we can have robot ball/humon baby **Stop saying that! It's too many levels of wrong!** an live happily ever after for ever now!" **NO. I will NOT allow techno-mating or whatever crazy form of sexuality this deranged author has created!** I was sooooo happy I hugged Wheetly an we almost made a twin baby right then an there when Atlas an P-Body show up. _**Funny. If I'm not careful, those two would probably make a baby as well…**_

"Hey b**** were back!" Atlas yelled an took out a guns. [-Body took one of the gun an aim it at me too. I powered up my sheld but something strange happened an I fell over an started brething hard. "Whats wrong with me?" **WELL. First of all... Actually, that would take too long to answer. _In layman's terms, you're a poorly written character clearly meant to fill the author's own deluded fantasies. _**Wheelty got scarred lookin while Atlas an P-Body lolled an got ready to shoot us up. Things was going down bad when some one raised up from behind the two robojerks an hitted them on heads with frying pan! It was… CHELL! **NO! I'm supposed to be dead! And OUT of this story. _Boo hoo. I'm so sad I think I'll listen to "emo music" just like the pathetic imitation of me in this story._**

"Chell you saved us!" I congradulated her. "Marrissa you made me Left 4 Dead (AN: LOL _**They say the term "lol" is used to laugh at someone. If that's the case, I believe I can "lol" at this author's severe mental retardation.**_) you b**** so now get ready to die!" Lookin closer I saw Chell was right, she was a zombee now! **WHAT? I'm _still _here?**Wheetly made some growls to stop her but Chell didn't care an tried to bite me **_I always knew you were a cannibal. _Just like I always knew you were a homicidal maniac?** but accidentally bit Atlas instead so he became a robot zomboy! **Apparently those exist! I'd question them but I've learned not to do that upon reading this story!**

TO BE CONTINUED? **I hope not.**

IM RUNNING OUT OF IDEAS FOR WHAT MARRISSA CAN DO IN PORTAL LABS **THEN END THE STORY! _Please._ I'm begging you!** I THINK NECKS CHAPTER SHELL GO TO OTHER VALVE GAMES MAYBE IF YOU WANT?

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><p>Poor Chell. She had not woken up that day not knowing she would be reading such a horrid abomination to literature. She was just trying to reintegrate herself into society. And now here she was lying on the floor on the verge of a nervous breakdown. Of course GLaDOS was gleeful as little kid at the moment at her distress.<p>

"_You know if it makes you feel any better, I scanned your vitals. Despite your apparent trauma to this story, you're perfectly healthy! So we can keep reading! Isn't that great?"_

The look Chell gave GLaDOS implied that no, that wasn't great.

Humans. They were never satisfied, were they?

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><p><strong>See? I didn't forget about this story! Like I said, it's just my writer's block fic so I won't update regularly... Sorry about that! I apologize for the hard distinction between GLaDOS and Chell's dialogue but I'm still trying to figure out how to distinguish them... If you have any solutions for that I would <em>love <em>you like the Portal franchise... and I'll write the next chapter super fast just to thank you!**


	4. Vegetable Hell?

**A/N: WAIT! I have important information! I'm putting this and the previous three chapters on Livejournal because it might be easier to read there instead of here! I'll still update here but I'll put links at the beginning of each chapter to the more readable version. For instance, here's this chapter's link: koree-kara(. livejournal)(.com) and just add /1299(.html) to the end! Sorry about the odd formatting; links always disappear when I post them normally!**

**It has colors!**

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><p>AN: BEFOUR THE CHAPTER HERES A SHOUT OUT TO SOME OF MY REVIEWS! <strong>People took the time to review this? My brain cannot comprehend… WHY?<strong>

XHEADFONECHICKX – THANKS FOR THE IDEA, I REMBER GLADOS SAID THAT ANDROD HELL WAS A PLACE IN PORTAL 1 SO THAT GAVE ME THE IDEA FOR THIS CHAPTER! _**I'm sorry to say that **_**your **_**admission to Android Hell has been denied for the fact that you are a walking vegetable and do not meet the requirements for Android Hell. But don't worry. I'm sure there's a **_**special **_**place in hell saved for you.**_

THE PIE3 – OF COURSE ITS BAD CHELL BOOTY QUAKED **Stop saying things I didn't do! **AN NOW THERE ARE ZOMBOYS, IF IT DOESN'T GET BAT THE STORY WULD BE BORON! _**"Boron" happens to rhyme with moron which is what you are. **_ITS CALLED CONFILCT MY TEACHER TOLD ME SO! **You went to school? Well… there goes my "raised by monkeys" theory…**

ITS MY LIFE!

CHAPTER 3: HELLO HELL, THE RETURN OF GABE JONSON! **The return? When did we meet him? **_**Oh, around the same time you lost weight.**_

I o-mouthed in shock at zombee Chell an Atlas an Wheetly just screamed real loud. _**That **_**would **_**be the only reaction to danger he would have. **_There was no weapons to fight them with but I thot hard **You think? It's a miracle! **_**Truly a breakthrough in science. **_an used the portal gun to portal below me an far away so I escaped with Wheetly. "That was a close one Wheetly" said to me an we started lookin for clues on why zomboys happened. **What are you? **Then was wen I realized one of my powers was super detective an I new where zombees came from. THE TATERS! _**I will NOT tolerate the mention of such a repulsive form of human nutrition! **_**But you were so adorable as a vegetable! **_**Then you'll look simply adorable as a vegetable if I "accidentally" leave you cryo too long.**_

"Those were zombee taters if you eat them an dead you will be zombee." I esplained to Wheetly who o-mouthed. Then a portal happened an Chell an Atlas came out with nifes ready to eat us! _**I do **_**not **_**tolerate cannibalism. **_**But you tolerate deadly testing? **_**Tests are actually progressive. **_**And reading this is PROGRESSIVE? **_**For testing your endurance, yes. **_My powers were still all wonky so I culdnt fight them instead we ran fast but triped. I looked to what I triped on an saw it was…. A prototip portal gun! I piced it up an test fired it at Chell an Altas who falled down it an flames came up. **A portal gun flamethrower! Deadly **_**and **_**efficient! You'd love it, GLaDOS! **_**In case you've forgotten, the last time I experience fire was when you killed me. I'd recommend not bringing it up again otherwise you just might get to see what dying in a fire is like too!**_

"Bloody hell it's a buggering portal to andord hell!" **Hey, isn't there **_**another **_**franchise that uses British accents? What was it… Blotter? Notter? **_**Whatever it is must not be intelligent if it shares the same nationality as this moron.**_ Wheetly realized an I new he was right. Even tho they were zombees now I had to safe my sister an Altas from androod hell **No you don't! I can stay in Android Hell! Then the story could end! **so I grabed the prototip portal gun an jumped in. "Marrissa no its toooo dangerous!" Wheetly cried but I had to do it.

Insid androd hell was a bunch of metal an fire with robots gettin bet up **What is this? Robot Fight Club? **_**You don't talk about that.**_ I saw Glados an Chell an Atlas all there being hurted by robodemons from the game DOOM. **I feel like I'm missing something here… **_**A sense of morality? Why yes you are! **_I wents up to Cshell an saw her was not zombee any more an o-mouthed at me.

"Marrissa you saved me becos there are no zombees in adroid hell **Does Android Hell even exist? **_**Of course it does? Where else do you think the moron's going?**_ thank you!" Chell hugged me an I was happy that my sister was safed but now we had to fined Altas an get out of here. _**I already know where he is. Disassembled. Just like this author's mental state. **_So we went lookin for Atlas when I saw a hotub made off lava with a muscely guy in it an lots of hot babes. **Uh… **Chell was reel suprised at him an I thot telepathic "Whats goin on Chell whos that guy?" _**I wouldn't be surprised if this was Black Mesa's management.**_

"That guy is…. GABE JONSON!" **Don't you mean Cave Johnson… **_**Certainly not! He's not anywhere near as irrational as Mr. Johnson! **_The man looked up at us when Chell sayd it an he was all shocked. "Marrissa is that you?" He was all scarred lookin an made fart bubbles in the hotub which made all the hot babes angry so they left. "OMG How do you no my name?" I asked in shock an o-mouthed. "I no it becos your… MY DOTTER!" **So you dot his stationary for him? Seems like a pointless job but I'm sure dotting is a **_**very **_**challenging career! **We all even the robots o-mouthed an Chell fainted becus wewere sisters so she was Gabe Jonsons dotter too. **Two dotters? Dotting is harder than I thought! **Gabe got out of the hotub but he was NAKED _**You humans and nudity. The superior thing about robots is they neither know nor care. **_so it was all gross an I ran away. "OMG OOPS!" Gabe said lolling an got some pants on but I was already goin far away. **I would too, if **_**someone **_**wasn't keeping me here. **_**Don't look at me like that, you brought this on yourself.**_

After some far runnin I got back to the portal an saw something bad! Wheetly was all tied up an P-Body an now alife Atlas were throwin the taters _**Potatoes belong in Vegetable Hell, morons. **_into androod hell an robots were eatin em an turning to zomboys! A robodemon ate one an becomed the big zombie boss monster from Reisdent Evil **These references are flying right over my head! **only he had a portal gun an rocket launchers. Gabe Jonson ran up carryin Chell but zombees were chasin them! _**Do kill them. **_**YEAH! Killing them! You say what we're both thinking! **Atlas an P-Body lolled an said "Bye B****!" an closed the portal leavin us rapped! We had been Left 4 Dead!

"Marrissa you most use yur powers its the only hope." **Help me, Cave Johnson. You're my only hope! **Gabe Jonson said an I new it was true. I bended down on the metal floor an thot hard an sparks came out of my everwhere an I glowed brite gold. Gabe Jonson o-mouthed at me an Chell was still uncosios so she didnt do nothin. **I've accomplished more than YOU have throughout this whole damn story! **_**Nothing worthwhile. **_There was a huge flash of the britest lite ever an we were in Portal Labs!

"Yay we did it!" I sad huggin Gabe an Chell. Then some one started to lol at us it was… GLADOS! **Hey, you stopped listening to emo music! **_**Unfortunately you still haven't stopped acting like an expired vegetable. **_**…**"You let me escape from Ardod Hell now I will have my revenge on you Marrissa Roberts!" _**Oh, I **_**will **_**have my revenge on the author- I mean, the **_**character. **_**Which sounds better, neurotoxin or rockets? **_**Both!**

TO BE CONTINUED!

OH NO! CAN MARRISSA ESKAPE FROM GLADOS ONCE AN FOR ALL **Apparently not, since we still have thirteen chapters left.** AN IS GABE JONSON REELY A GOOD GUY AN DAD? FIND OUT SOON!

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><p>Chell had once again gone into catatonic mode. Of course, GLaDOS was enjoying it. Now that Caroline was possiblymaybe out of her system, she delighted in the pleasures of seeing former enemies suffer at the hands of bad literature.

"_Quit being such a baby. You survived a 3,000 foot fall and you can't even make it through a simple story? And to think the scientists said you were tenacious."_

Chell lifted her hand and flashed some human insult at GLaDOS. As if it would really do any damage. Ha! Chell glared at GLaDOS.

"You know what's not fair? _I'm _the only one who has to put up with this! Why don't you share this with someone else like Atlas or P-body or… _something _besides me!"

"_Oh, but then this wouldn't be _fun._" _GLaDOS replied. _"For unlike you, a robot would not display the same amount of discomfort… I take that back."_

There was one robot who she _knew _would get visibly distressed at reading this. And he _deserved _to suffer after what he'd done. Chell waved her hand in front of GLaDOS's vacant optic. "Hello? If you short circuited, I can leave right?"

"_I believe this just might be the _first _time you've showed a trace of usefulness."_

"What are you thinking?

"_You just gave me an idea."_

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><p>"SPA-SPA-SPA-SPA- SPA-SPA-SPA-SPA- SPA-SPA-SPA-SPA- SPA-SPA-SPA-SPA-SPA-SPA-SPAAAAAAACE!"<p>

If there was one thing Wheatley could wish for at the moment, it would be earplugs. Or a trip back to Earth. Preferably the latter. Space had finally moved on from gushing about space to singing about it. Both were equally unbearable to Wheatley. Well… at least the song was catchy. But _annoying._

"SPA-SPA-SPA-SPAAAAAACE. SPA-SPA-SPA-SPAAAACE."

"For the five hundredth time, SHUT UP!" Wheatley yelled. He wouldn't but it was worth the effort.

Because Wheatley was too busy trying to ignore space and/or a moron, he didn't notice his little metal core slowly floating back toward Earth along with Space. Then again, he didn't notice much considering it took him hours to finally realize Aperture was going to explode…

"Space? Where's space? COME BACK SPACE!"

"What are you talking about? We're in still in- oh no! We're floating back to Aperture!" Little Wheatley had speculated that some fancy-schmancy-techno-babble the author was too lazy to explain was bringing him back to the place he'd nearly destroyed! Wheatley squeezed his optic shut in terror, praying that he was just getting space dementia. But it was all for naught; he tore through the shed and landed below the looming GLaDOS.

"_Hello, moron."_

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><p><strong>AN: Fun fact! Space Core is singing **_**his **_**versions of Nyan Cat and Beethoven's 5****th****! Get it? Because it's… you know… yeah. I'll shut up now.**


	5. Booty Quaking?

**A/N: Everyone, thank you so much for the reviews! Being the unobservant moron I am, it took me ages to realize that I could reply to the reviews... yeah. So anyways, from this point on I'm going to try and reply to as many as possible and any reviews with questions about the stories. Such as this anonymous review:**

**Nobody –If you're wondering how Chell knows about Star Wars but not video games and other pop culture facts, just repeat to yourself "It's just a fanfic! I should really just relax!"**

**Unfortunately, this is the part where the fonts get _really _confusing but here's a key to help you out:**

**Bold comments**: Chell's voice

_**Bold italicized comments**_: GLaDOS's voice

_Italicized comments_: Wheatley's voice

**If you still have trouble distinguishing the comments here's an easier-to-read link: http : / / koree-kara . livejournal . com / 1761 . html**

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><p>"Uh… h-hello!" Wheatley squeaked in terror. Through the tiny slit in his optic he could see the glowing yellow optic just inches above him. "S-sorry about putting you in a potato?"<p>

GLaDOS didn't appear to accept his apology. On the up side, she didn't appear to _not _accept it either! Who was he kidding? Even _he _was smart enough to know that GLaDOS wouldn't let go of her facility nearly being destroyed and the… vegetable incident.

"Um… before you kill me, can I ask is it going to hurt? A lot?" He saw Chell leaning against the wall shaking her head. Was she going to _help _kill him? This _was _going to hurt, wasn't it? He squeezed his optic shut deciding to go with the philosophy of "If I can't see them, they can't see me!"

"_Who said anything about killing you?"_

Wheatley's eye flew open in surprise. "You're not going to kill me?"

Chell sighed. "Wheatley, that's not- AGH!"

"_I'll do the talking." _Chell couldn't protest considering she was squished beneath a panel. _"Now listen, moron. After you put me in a potato, nearly made this place blow up in a nuclear fireball, and rightly found yourself stranded in space, I was digging around and happened to find something you might be interested in." _The now-infamous text flashed onto one of the panels. But Wheatley didn't know its horrors yet.

"What is that?"

"_It's what humans call a biography. About you and your past life."_

"I have a past life?" Wheatley asked, slightly intrigued but still terrified.

"_Oh yes. And you did all sorts of horrible, moronic things in it so now I'm afraid you'll have to atone for it by reading it."_

"But I haven't ever read a biology!"

"_Biography, moron."_

"I AM NOT A MORON!"

"_Then start reading."_

But he really was a moron. For he had no idea what he was getting himself into…

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><p>AN THANKS FOR THE SPELLIN CORRECSHUN ON WHEETLY <em>My name isn't spelled like that! It's W-H-I-K-T… actually, how is my named spelled? <em>_**M-O-R-O-N **__Thanks! _WHO IS NOW WHAATLY AN GLADOS IS NOW GLaDOS! _**It only took you four chapters to get it right. You're making little to no progress!**_

ITS MY LIFE!

CHAPTER 5: CHELLS BOOTY QUAKE REMIX! **Come on GLaDOS, I can do… 500 tests If we don't read any more of this! **_**But we're having **_**so **_**much fun. **_**No, **_**you're **_**having fun!**

GLaDOS was makin me do tests a gain with lots of traps an turrents. _I thought you guys said the spelling in this story was bad! It seems fine to me! _**You really are a moron, aren't you? **_I AM NOT A MORON! _Becos she was a emo goth now all the walls were black an red an there was Avril Lavinge an My Kemical Romance music playin _**Those people would probably make **_**excellent **_**test subjects. **_which made it hard for me to do the tests an GlaDOS was cryin an cuttin herself on the big screen comptuer. WHEATLY _Oo! That's me they're talking about! _whos name was right this time _Is that how I spell my name? __**Yes. **_**No! **_**Don't listen to her; I'm a vast collection of intelligence and she has brain damage. Who would you really believe? **__Uh… do I have to pick? Because this really, REALLY hard! __**Just keep reading. **_was back on his rale an had to clean up all the robot blood from GLadOS cuttin herself an it was all messy an sticky like the repulsive gel. _**You know if that happened in real life you would be cleaning it up, moron. **__Quit calling me a moron! __**Then stop acting like one.**_

I pressed a botton that made the test done an got ready for the next one when a rumbling happened all of sudden. A thing fell out of the seeling an it was… MY COMPANON COOB! **Did it kill her? **_**I suppose you've forgotten that the Weighted Companion Cube will never threaten to stab you or put you in a potato like **_**some **_**Aperture equipment. **_I ran so fast to the coob an gave it a big hug an cryed some becos I was so happy at least GLados had gived me one thing to be happy with. Then the prototip portal gun came out from a wall-hole an made a new portal to Andord hell. _I've heard about that place but I _know _it isn't real. __**How would you know? Have **_**you **_**ever been dead?**_

"You must drop the coob in Adroid Hell now Marrissa or ill put NEROTOKSIN **I wonder if that's deadlier than neurotoxin… **_**Only one way to find out.**_ in the room!" GlADOS said. I culdnt kill my companion coob, he was my best frend **He DOESN'T talk you… MORON! **_**I think you're getting this character mixed up with the real moron in this room. **__Are you two talking about me again but _not _using my name again?__** Of course not, moron. **__HEY! _besides Wheatly an Chell, then I rembered Gabe Jonson was supposed to be here an he was my dad so maybe he was workin to stop GlaDOS which gave me renued strength to do more tests but I had to find away to not hurt my coob.

If onyl I had a powers to solve the test without hurting my companion boob **Judging the previous chapters, I say that spelling error was intentional. **I thout. "HURRY UP MARRISSA THE NEROTOKSIN IS ALMOST REDDY!" GLaDOS angered when I realized one of my powers is NEROTOKSIN immunity! **HEY! That's cheating! **_**And escaping Chamber 19 isn't? **_"Go head an toksin me Glads." I boated to the dumb emo goth computer **I think you're looking more for "crazy, maniacal, cake-obsessed computer who may or may not be a woman named Caroline" **_**Do you wish to join the moron in his future punishment! **__Oo, I'd love some company! We can bond and stuff! _women. "DOT SAY I DIDN'T WARN YOU!" GLaDOS started pumpin all the room with icky green farts that smelled reel bad but didt hurt becos I was immune. **I want to be immune to neurotoxin! **_**All right, I'll put you in a potato. **_I piced up the companon coob an went threw door an saw something bad…. **Combustible lemons?**

Chell was shakin' her butt all jiggly a gain an dance crazy **Ugh, not this again. **_Not what again? _**You'll see.** an Wheatly was watchin. "SHAKE IT BACK IT BOOTY QUAKE IT ROLL IT A ROUND!" **STOP SAYING THAT FAKE ME! **She sung an I realized that Chell had a relaps of brane damage. "YEAH Chell BOOTY CUAKE IT!" Wheeatly cheered becos he didt no I was watchin. "WHATLY HOW COLD YOU?" I screemed an Wheatly said "OH BLOODY WANKER!" **Wheatley, you're kinda-sorta-possibly British. Is this how British people talk? **_How should I know? I've never been to Britain! Or have I? Actually… _**Nevermind. **An ran off on his rale. Chell was still retorded but I GlaDOS taked my magum pistol so I couldn't fix her. I sat down an started cryin.

How cold Wheatly bretrayed me when I was preganent with his robot ball/human baby _WHAT? I'm a FATHER? __**Yes. Don't you feel terrible you've neglected your own child? **__But I… I didn't know… I… __**Feelings of shame and self-loathing are natural for negligent parents. **_an we loved eechother? **For once the question mark actually fits with this whole situation! **Also I needed to fix Chell so she would stop doing dance crazy with shake butt but not even my powers could fix brane damage. **Yet potatoes turn robots into zombies? The logic in this world… I can't. **"THERE IS ONLY ONE CURE FOR BRANE DAMAGE!" _**Neurotoxin. **_GLaDON yelled out loud with no indoor voice. "IT IS THE ZOMBEE TATERS!" _Oo! That reminds me of the time I put you in the pota- __**If you want we can put **_**you **_**in a potato next. **_Now it all made sense! When Chell was zomboy she was act normal so to safe Chell I needed to make her zombee a gain! This was bad news. I had to pick between retorded normal Chell or smart zombee Chell an even sores Wheatly was cheetin on me! _But I wouldn't cheat on my girlfriend! I don't even _have _a girlfriend!_

I walked off leavin Chell to dance crazy an found the zombee taters. I picked one up an started to CRY. "WHY IS EVER THING GOIN BAD AN WRONG AN WHEETLY ABDONED ME FOR MY TARDED SISTER?" _I abandoned my wife? What kind of father am I? _**You're not- **_**What she means to say is, you're a terrible father and **_**also **_**a moron. **_Cry came out of all my eyes an all every where. I didn't no it at the time, but it was part of GLaDOS plan, she was turnin me into a goth emo! _I've heard of that! All the old robots told me it was a mysterious group of black-clad humans who roamed from territory to territory attacking the innocent civilians with strange tribal music!_

MEENWHILE Wheatly was rollin on his rale with tears in eye becos he was sad for betrayin me. "Why did I bloody have to betray Marrissa my one true love? I am a sodding wonker!" _Hey, wait! I don't talk like that! __**You're right. Your voice is **_**much **_**more moronic than his. **_He didn't mean to betrayed me but he secretly had a love trangle between me an Chell _But I don't like Chell! _**Are you STILL mad I didn't catch you when you fell off the rail? **_YES! _but he thot it ended but guess not. "I have to a polozie to Marrissa an make things better a gain!" Wheetly speeded on his rale back to me when some thing grabbed him it was… ATLAS AN P-BODY! **Great, these two add **_**so much **_**to the story. **_**What story?**_

"He b***** wanna smoke some drugs/?" P-Body said an gave Wheatly a drugs. "No." Wheatly answered becos drugs are bad he new from me. _**I highly doubt you're the most reliable source for that kind of advice. **_"How about drink some beer then?" **Why is this turning into a PSA? **Asked Atlas. Wheatly didt want to but the peer pressure was strong an he was reel sad after all… _They told me if I ever tried to drink I would DIE! _**They might be right for once…**

TO BE CONTINUED!

WILL MARRISSA AN WHEATLY GET BACK TO GETHER? _But we have to! What will Marissa do if I'm not there to take care of our baby? _**Commit suicide? **_WHAT? That's terrible! __**Even I have to admit that's a cruel remark for even a horrible person like you. **_WILL GLADOSS EVIL PLAN BE STOPED? WHERE IS GABE JONSON? **Inhaling moon rocks with Cave Johnson? **FIND OUT NECKS TIME ON ITS MY LIFE! **I want to get back to **_**my **_**life… **_**Your "life" probably consisted of staring at the Companion Cube for hours on end until I brought you back here. **_**It did not!**

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><p>"Well… that one wasn't <em>so <em>bad. I guess it was easier with Wheatley… Wheatley? Where did he go?" Chell and GLaDOS spotted the moron near the incinerator of GLaDOS's chamber.

"That incinerator is off, right?" Chell said getting a little worried.

"_We'll find out if he falls in it." _And it sounded like GLaDOS was getting a little too happy…

Poor Wheatley. He was a simple minded core (that was the understatement of the year) and his little functions just couldn't take in such a horrid piece of literature. Perhaps that was why for the first time in history a robot cried. Not really, but he emitted loud sobs that were more annoying than tragic but either way GLaDOS was very pleased.

"_Oh, what's the matter moron?"_ GLaDOS purred like a pleased cat. _"Are you despairing over the knowledge that you'll be reading this for twelve more chapters?"_

"There's twelve more chapters?" Chell cried. At this rate, _she _was going to break down before Wheatley did! Speaking of him, the human and AI turned to the aforementioned moron rolling about on the floor in a fit of distress.

"NO!" the poor little robot sobbed. "It's just… I'm a father and I didn't even know it!"

"Uh…"

Wheatley didn't _seriously _think this story was true, did he? Before Chell could explain to him that GLaDOS was just being a lying liar who lies, the AI herself was already talking to him.

"_Yes. You're a terrible parent. That's why you were sent into space."_

"But that's not-"

"_Quiet, you. Anyways, I'm afraid you could have done something to save your… offspring but you didn't. My condolences."_

GLaDOS's words of "encouragement" only made Wheatley cry even louder. Chell hadn't felt this sorry for him since he'd accidentally reawakened GLaDOS. So she took the little core and placed him in her lap in an attempt to comfort him. It worked for the fluffy kitten she'd found last year and considering Wheatley was probably just as intelligent as one maybe he'd calm down.

"Do you know what the worst part is? I don't even understand how we would _reproduce_!"

…

Not even GLaDOS could explain how something that obscene could happen. Chell looked at Wheatley as if he had two tentacles and a potato glued to him.

"I'm serious! Humans are so squishy and I'm so _hard_-"

"OKAY. Let's move on to the next chapter!"

GLaDOS couldn't agree more.

* * *

><p><strong>...<strong>

**One more thing! Because so many people appear to be enjoying this fanfic, I've decided to update more regularly from now on! Maybe once a week? Every two weeks? I promise you it won't be three _months_!**


	6. Peer Pressure?

AN: OMG 30 REIVEWS! TAKE THAT FLAMERZ _Flamerz? So can we set the story on fire then? _YUR JUST MAKIN MY STORY MORE POPULAR ALSO IM NOT BEEN OFFENSIVE AGAINST BRANE DAMAGE _**Contrary to your belief, people who are brain damaged **_**can **_**insult other people who are brain damaged. Monster. **_BECOS CHELL IS JUST A PRETEND CARTOON I WULD NOT INSULT REAL BRANE DAMAGE PEPOLE THATS JUST SICK! **Yet you have me booty quake, Wheatley have sex, and GLaDOS slit her wrists and listen to weird music?**

ASLO, THIS CHAPTER IS FROM WHEELTYS POV. _**Remember, moron this is what ran through your head in your past life. **__But I didn't sound _this _stupid did I? __**No, you sound much stupider now.**_

ITS MY LIFE!

CHAPTER SIX: THE BIG ADVENTURE OF WHEETLY

I was sooooo upset with me self becos I betrayed Marrissa an was a bloody soddin wanker. _**You forgot moron. **_I didt meen to but I saw Chell booty quakin an was over come. **With **_**what**_**? **Back when we first met I licked her an she liked me _But she's human! And female! That's absolutely disgusting! _but things didnt bloddy work out. **Ha, that's an understatement. **She was less hot an pretty thaan Marrissa an didnt catch me on my rale! _Yeah! You didn't catch me when you _clearly _were open to! _So I saw her booty quake an rembered when we was datin an got all lovey. Her bom (AN THATS BRITISH FOR BUTT LOL _**So British is another language entirely. Well. That's something new.**_) was all jiggly wiggly an it was like when I was in charge of the hole place an we tested. Then I turned into an evil bugger an she dumped me. **No, you went crazy and took over the whole facility, put GLaDOS in a potato, made me test, tried to kill us, tried to kill us some more, tried to kill us even more, and **_**then **_**we shot you into space. The end.**

"OH YEAH Chell SHAK THAT BOOTY!" _But WHY? It's just a heaping mound of flesh! _**Hey! That's **_**my **_**heaping mound of flesh! **_**More like a heaping pound of fat. **_I screamed out loud to Chell but I didt realise someone else was watchin... Marrissa! **Oh, joy. My bat-shit crazy imaginary sister. **"WHEATLY HOW COLD YOU!/11" Oh bloody hell sod she saw me with Chell god save the queen! _**God save the idiots stupid enough to keep reading past this chapter. **__A-HA! Since you kept reading that would make YOU an idiot and me not one because… it's not… __**At this point your argument is invalid. And pointless.**_ "OH BLOODY WANKER!" _Is that some cool, hip slang I don't know about. __**Yes. **__Are you serious? Is it really cool and hip? __**Would I lie to you? I mean right now? **_I yelled a gain an ran away faster than ever befour on my rale. I couldnt let Marrissa see me cheetin any more _You mean I've cheated on humans with OTHER humans? But that's just… WRONG! SICK AND BLOODY WRONG! _I was real sad.

Soon I was in a place I didnt see befour there were drusg ever where an beer an playboy magazines _I really don't see the point of those. Saw some scientists reading it in the bathroom stall and thought they were completely stupid. Just a bunch of humans without clothing. They all looked alike to me! _it was where Altas an P=Body lived! _**The more I see these two, the more I want to disassemble the **_**real **_**Orange and Blue. **_I looked round some wwhen a thing grabed me! "He b***** wanna smoke some drugs/?" P-Body said an gave ne a drugs. "No." I answered becos drugs are bad I new from Marrissa. **I don't think that's the most credible source considering the author's questionable mental state… **"How about drink some beer then?" Asked Atlas. I didt bloody want to but the peer pressure _**If you actually knew anything about Aperture, you'd know that peer pressure was **_**not **_**covered in the Laws of Robotics. Just like your horribly written character isn't either. **_was strong an I was reel sad after all… So I sayd "Ok fine you sodding wonks." So they gave me beer an drugs an I started to smoke them up. They feeled real good like the testing so I was happy an got hi. _The only thing I'VE ever gotten high on is POWER! Seriously, I shorted from battery overload. It was terrifying too! _I started tellin my story to Atlas an P-bODY an they herd me tell it.

"Then she bloody dumped just becos I was enjoyin' the floor show with CHell an booty." Atlas an P-Body pated me on the ballback an said "Ots Wheatly we unnerstand yur problems thats why Marrissas a b****." **I can't say I disagree with those two…** I shoud have listened to them but I did any way an got angry like I was on sterods ore something. "You shoud get revenge _**Oh, I do intend to have my revenge once I find the person who wrote this. **_on her an show her whos boss!" _Already tried that. Got sent to space… eh heh… yeah._ \P-Body agreed while drinkin more beer. "Yur right guys we need to teech that b**** a lesson!" I angered becos the drugs an beer was makin me confused. I was such a bugger bloke but I felt sooooo hi I had to. **Can an AI even **_**get **_**high? **_**Have you forgotten testing euphoria? **_**Are you kidding? I've tried to block that out of my mind for ages!**

"Lets go fine her an teach Marrissa her lesson!" **Oh boy, I hope they teach her some grammar lessons! Maybe if we're lucky she'll get some spelling lessons too! **Altas yelled an I an P-Body said "YEAH!" an we charged lookin for Marrissa. We found her in a test room an I was shocked... _I'm still shocked that I had a girlfriend! And we had CHILDREN! _**Look, Wheatley- **_**I liked you better when you were **_**mute. **she was wearin a black jumpsuit an cuttin herself while lisitin to Avril Lavinge music! Marrissa had became... a goth emo! **OH NO! Someone call the paramedics! **

TO BE CONTINUED!

SORRY THIS CHAPTER IS SHHORT BUT I DONT LIKE WRITIN AS WHEATLY _**At least you only have to write him and not put up with him. **__Now that's just insensitive! __**Says the moron who puts AIs into potatoes. **_THE NECKS PART WILL BE LONGER **Oh, you don't have to do that. Seriously. Make it shorter. I will love you. **AN WILL MARRISSA STOP BEEN A DUMB GOTH EMO? ALSO GABE JONSON WILL COME BACK AN HE HAS A BIG SUPRISE! **His real name is Cave Johnson? **FIND OUT! _**It's such a joy to know that- **_**_SPAAAAAAAACE!_**

* * *

><p><em>Space Core? <em>What sort of trickery was this?

GLaDOS, Chell, and Wheatley just stared at the little core, dumbfounded and slightly amused. Anyone would find it rather humorous to see the equivalent of a metal ball rolling about on the floor as though it were having a seizure. The fact that said metal ball wouldn't stop rambling about space only made the situations more awkward.

"SPACE! Where'd you go? Are you mad at me? DON'T BE MAD!"

So… somehow Space Core had survived? Although it was obvious Wheatley would have survived the crash since he was damaged beyond the point of being broken, Space had just sort of… sat there. With an unlit optic and no screaming about space it was rather pleasant. But now…

"Where's space? Need my space back. It was MY SPACE. YOU STOLE IT! YOU'RE UNDER ARREST FOR STEALING SPACE!"

GLaDOS would have argued with him but she _really _wasn't in the mood for putting up with _two _morons. Unless she could put them to good use… this could be fun. Pain and suffering for the moron was delightful enough but _more_?

"_Listen-"_

"NOT LISTENING UNTIL YOU RETURN SPACE! Space. Space. Need space. And stars. Beep beep-"

Persuasion was going to be much more irritating than she thought.

"_Do you want to see space again?"_

"YES! Are you Space God? GIVE ME SPACE!"

"_Yes, I am the Space God." _GLaDOS replied.

"Oh, really?" Wheatley chirped. "I thought you just ran-"

"_Quiet moron. The sheer sound of your voice is making my functions slow down. Anyways," _GLaDOS turned back to the trembling Space Core. _"You want to go back, don't you?"_

"SO. VERY. MUCH." Space just realized he'd gone a sentence without mentioning space. "Space."

GLaDOS laughed. This was almost too easy. It brought her back to the days of gullible test subjects who _really _thought there would be cake. Then Chell came along. But that was something she'd rather not bring up. Ever.

"_All right then. You'll get your space. There's just one little thing we have to do."_

"SPA-SPA-SPA-SPA-SPACE!"

* * *

><p><strong>AN: Surprise! It's Mr. Space Core! I only intend to have Space in the next chapter but I think I want to do sort of the same thing for each of the cores (from Portal 2 considering the originals were incinerated...) What do you guys think? More cores? Or should they commit sewside? Let me know please!**


	7. More Sewisdes?

AN THANKS FOR THE GOOD REVIEWS **To the people who gave this story a good review: I'm coming for you.** YOU LAST TOW ONES. AS LONG AS THE REEL FANS SUPPORT ME THIS STORY WILL NEVER DYE! _**The neurotoxin begs to differ.**_

ALSO THANKS FOR TELLIN ME ABOUT NEXT NOT NECKS ILL REMBER THAT. =D **_When do we get space?_ **_I don't know… IS there any space in this chapter?_

ITS MY LIFE! **_My life is space._ **_Trust me, mate. WE KNOW._

CHAPTER SEVEN: BATTLE OF THE GOTH EMO WAR

All of sudden Wheatly an Altas an P-Body was were I was an looked all shocked at me. I was a goth emo now an had died my jumpsuit black ** _Where's space. Story needs more space._ **_Don't you EVER get tired of space? _**_...NO._ **an was cuttin myself while listenin to Avril Lavinge music. _Who is the crazy person my wife keeps mentioning? __**Obviously no one important. So keep reading.**_ "Marrissa what happoned to you?" **"I decided write a story with me in it to mentally scar the minds of others hundreds of years later, tee hee!"** Wheatly asked but I just cryed at him an yell "You broke me heart Wheatly, so Im a goth emo now an were threw!" I got up like crazy an puched Wheatly in the eyeball-thing _HEY! My _optic _is very sensitive! It's already been cracked by SOMEONE in this room who is very mean and selfish and- __**And she also has the power to take your precious little optic and jam it into the incinerator. **_so hard he fell of the rale an landed with a huge crush **_Into space._** an he was broken.

"NOOOOOO WHEETLY!" I ranned to the robocorpse _Wait! Wait! When did I DIE? That's terrible! __**Isn't it obvious? You died and you're atoning for your past sins in Android Hell by reading this story. **__No way. __**Oh yes. **_an picked him up in my arms. "You are died an now our baby will have no father." **Well, considering you're not exactly Mommy of the Year I think the baby won't have a mother either…** I cried even more an cut myself a copple more times. Atlas an P-Body was froze in shock at the site of Wheatly's kill. **_They could come to space. We could be space buddies_ **Then a guy walked in with a tool box an lots of tooles. "Don't worry my dotter Ill fix him!" _**Fix him? He was never right to begin with! **__I'm RIGHT HERE! Could at least insult me while I'm not around? _Gabe Jonson looked at me an smiled an I was reel happy an gabe him the Wheatly body so he could make it work a gain. "Oh no" He o-mouthed. "Wheatly body is full of drugs an beer!" **So he died of an overdose? Intoxication? EXPLAIN. ** Atlas an P-Body got nervos an I glared at them reel mean like an said "What did you do TO WHEATLY YOU B*****S!" _**What should have been done a **_**long **_**time ago.**_ My powers started glowin like the sun an electric sparks went ever where. **_Is lady a star?_ I'm not sure WHAT she is… **_**Conceited, mentally challenged, hopelessly confused, take your pick. **_"Marrissa stop yur powers are too strong!" Gabe pleeded but I was soo angry that I didt listen an powere up more until electric stuff went every all an the whole room explosioned! **_Like a star EXPLODING!_ I wonder if I could detonate this story…**

When I woke up there was messy dirt an marks all a round me an the room was destoryed. **Funny, that's probably what happens every time someone reads this story! **I looked a front of me an saw Atlas an P-Body was died an I was happy. Then I saw a skelton that was Gabe Jonson **A-ha! It can't be Cave Johnson! Moon rocks **_**ate **_**his skeleton!** an Wheetly an I got sad a gain an started to cut myself some more while singing a My Kemical Romace song. "Hahahahaha!" GLaDOS started lolling at me. "Now you are a goth emo an killed all yur friends my plan worked." _**Plan? What plan? I'm perfectly harmless. Well, right now. **_I punched fist into hand an got the most angry ever, this was all GLaDOES plan! "Wheatly wasn't realy cheetin on you Marrissa I was controllin him _**If I could control the moron, I'd have him do something intelligent. Then fall into the incinerator. **__Well too bad! You're not getting control of this metal ball! _an I gave Chell the brane damage relaps! LOL!" GLaDOS had gon two far this time an I needed to kill her for ever now. _**Ironic how that's the same thing I need to do to you. **_My powers were flowin threw my vans an I blew up the wall an went to GLaDOSs room. **_Can't take this anymore. Not enough space. I WILL HAVE SPACE_**

* * *

><p>A crash startled everyone from the bad literature.<p>

"I WILL. HAVE. SPAAACE!"

The group turned to see none other than Space Core bouncing like a basketball towards the conveniently located bottomless pit. Perhaps the little core's twisted logic had somehow convinced him that bottomless pits would lead him to space. Everyone else watched, not sure what to do with the suddenly suicidal core.

"_Someone catch him. Regardless of his quality, he's _still _Aperture Science equipment."_

Chell sighed and grabbed the handle of Space only to be jerked down to the ground and pulled along.

"NO. You want my space but YOU CAN'T HAVE IT!"

Space fought even harder to reach the pit. For a little core, Space was unexpectedly strong, using sheer force and impact to near himself and Chell to the bottomless pit.

Throughout this whole spectacle, Wheatley watched with both amusement and shock. But then… an idea formed in Wheatley's mind. A stupid, moronic idea. And he knew it. But sometimes stupidity was the only thing that could get him out of bad situations. And this counted as a bad situation. Meanwhile, Space struggled to wrench himself from Chell's grasp with the belief that _she _didn't want him to get to space.

"_Do hold on to him while I close the-"_

"I'm joining you mate!" Wheatley yelled, vigorously bouncing to the edge.

"NO! I am _not _reading this story without someone suffering with me!" Chell screamed defiantly. With Space tugging her one way Chell pounced on Wheatley and grabbed one of his handles. Both cores yelled obscenities at Chell, GLaDOS and nothing in general as they both attempted to escape the horrid piece of literature.

"Aren't you going to close the opening?" Chell asked GLaDOS.

"_In a minute. I'm taping this and archiving it for protocol on what _not _to do when restraining suicidal cores."_

"YOU SELFISH- AGH!" Were they _trying _to wrench her arms out of her sockets? Space was pulling Chell to the right and of course Wheatley was pulling her to the left. They weren't even bothering to get _close_ the pit now!

With a final burst of strength, Chell hurled Space towards GLaDOS's chassis and smiled when he hit the outside with a crash.

"_What ARE you trying to accomplish. If you damage me, then this whole facility-"_

"Close the pit or I'm aiming for your head!"

"_Fine. You ruin all my fun." _GLaDOS relented not only because she really did need to close that off but also because getting the moron anywhere _near _her chassis was repulsive enough. Now the issue at hand…

Space had finally broken down. Space withdrawal perhaps? Who cared? Either way, now, he was more of an annoying little tumor than something GLaDOS could thoroughly use for her science. But what to do with him…

"Spa-spa-spa-spaace…" the poor little core sang to himself. "I. Need. My. SPACE."

"_Fine. You can go to space once we finish this." _See? GLaDOS _could _be generous. Sometimes. Occasionally.

"Real space?" He asked hopefully.

"_Yes. But first we have work to do."_

And so with the two cores finally contained and Chell having possibly dislocated her shoulder, the group continued.

* * *

><p>"YOU MADE ME KILLED WHEATLY AN A GOTH EMO AN ROONED EVER THING NOW YOULL PAY GLADOS YOU B****!" I used my powers to make my jumpsuit not black no more becos I had stopped being a goth emo for good. <em>I still don't know what that is! Is it some species of human? <em>"No stop Marrissa you cannt kill me im yur mother!" **Sure. And Cave Johnson's my father. **_And Space core's my brother! _**_My father is space._ **_**And I mothered every turret in here. **_I stopped an thot she was lyin but then I used my detective power an new it was true. _**Not even Caroline would be stupid enough to give birth to something so insipid. **_I couldn't kill my on mother but she was a evil mother so maybe I cold. **Remember kids: patricide is okay if the parent deserves it! **"I killed you ones befour I can do it a gain!" _**Has it ever occurred to you that maybe you shouldn't considering it hasn't worked the past four or five times? **_I powered up my powers like a fireball _Kill it with fire! That's the Aperture philosophy! _of the glowy electric powers an shot them at GLaDOS an blew up the hole room.

GLaDOS was finally ded but I wasn't happy none. **Are you kidding that would be amazing- **_**Watch what you say. **_**I mean… that would be… awful. Yeah. **Wheatly was still gone an I had killed him. _I hope they gave me a nice funeral. _**_Space burial. Bestest funeral ever._ **_That's not what I had in mind mate… _Then Chell came into to the room cryin an I saw that the exploshun had made a peace of metal slice her butt off **WHAT?** so she couldn't booty quake none more. **Well if the cost of my butt is what will give my character a little more dignity I suppose it's worth it. **Ever thing was rooned an not even my powers cold fix it now. I sat down on knees an cried some more _**Boo hoo. Your fictional life is so hard. I've had to fight off intruders, send morons to space, and punish test subjects. **_(but not emo cry becos im not a goth emo any more). It was teh end but not happy which meens Im not perfect so Im not a Mary Sue AREEL WRITER or what ever yur name is! **Does she know about us? **_She can travel through dimensions? _**_Just like space dimensions!_ **Chell tried booty quake but with no bom all that happened was blood got in places from the shakin' an some blood hit a werd machine. It was…. A time machine!

"OMG I can go back in time an stop me from killin Wheatly _Oo! Can we go back in time and find the author who wrote this and make sure she never writes again? __**But then I'd have to come up with an even crueler punishment for you. If you really want, I can punish you via insertion into a potato. **__Oh no! There's no need for that… Really. _an make every thing happy a gain!" I ran tinto the time machine an pressed some bottons and there was a huge flash… **And everyone died. The end. Yay!**

TO BE CONTINUED! **Dammit…**

UH OH MARRISSA IS GON BACK IN TIME BUT DID SHE GO TO THE RIGHT TIME _Maybe she could go back to the dinosaurs and they'd EAT HER! _OR MAYBE TO PORTAL 1 TIME WINK WINK FIND OUT NEXT TIME! ** _Space time continuums… they could take me back to SPAAACE!_**

* * *

><p>Finally! Chell was on the verge of jumping into the pit and taking Wheatley and Space with her. But she <em>still <em>remembered her plan. Now she just had to find some way to crack GLaDOS before she herself cracked.

Chell glanced over at the way-too-gleeful AI. What would _possibly _get to GLaDOS enough to pull the plug on this crazy experiment? The spelling and grammar wasn't enough nor the poorly written characters, the self-insert protagonist, the plot that must have been written by a two year old… Then she knew. Chell knew _exactly _how to break her.

Potatoes. Lots of potatoes.

* * *

><p><strong>AN: Remember how I said I'd update once every one or two weeks? I decided to wait two weeks because really last week was too stressful for writing! But now I'm back. And writing. For you guys.**

**Anyways, I wanted to say that Space probably won't be back to comment on the story (but he will return for **_**something…**_**). However, I guarantee everyone's favorite adventure core will grace us with his presence sometime! Thanks for reading and thank you **_**so much **_**for the reviews! It's crazy really… I almost have forty reviews!**


	8. Diabolical Plots?

AN SORRY IT WAS TAKIN SOO LONG FOR ME TO UPDATE BUT HERES THE BIGGEST CHAPPER YET! **No! **_Please have mercy on us! We're but simple-minded readers! __**Quit being so melodramatic you two.**_

ITS MY LIFE!  
>CHAPTER ATE: <em>Does that mean you ate the rest of our story then? <em>TIME FOR ADVENTURE _Huh. Guess not…_

The time mashine squirted me out into the past an I looked round. I cold see a girl in a jumpsuit **Oh god. Why can't I DIE yet? **_**That can be arranged… **_like mean doin tests bu she was much less hot an pretty so it must've been past Chell. **Well thanks for demoting me to the "less hot an pretty test subject"** "OH GURGS!" _Is that some prehistoric swear word from the future? _**I think it's just gibberish. **_**Like 95% of the words in this story.**_ I yelled in sad, Chell didt do tests becos she was booty quakin so I must've goned to far back to Portal 1! But the time mashine hadnt been invention yet so I had to find a nother way. "YUO ARE NOT PART OF TESTS PREPAIR TO DI!" _**I'm offended. I would take any test subjects willing or **_**unwilling. **GLaDOS said at me but I still had my portal gon an powers. I charged my powers into the portal gun wich made it glow an electric stuff round it. I fried it an the portal wasnt a normal portal but a blak hole! Chell wasnt brane damage yet so she was smart an got away bu the GLadOS camra wasnt **Wow! According to this story I'm smarter than you are! **_**Not smart enough to develop an immunity to neurotoxin. **_lucky an got sucked in. I lolled at dead GLaDOS camera an went to find some thing that could make me future. _You know what? The scientists told me that if I concentrated REALLY hard I could travel back in time. They were lying of course. Obviously. It's not like it took me two weeks to figure that out or anything…_

I saw sum rbots doin tests in a diffrant room an they looked kin a familiar. _Oh look! It's Moron and P-Moron! __**Your attempts at sarcasm are pitiful, moron. **_"Hi my name is Atlas an this is P-Boy (he changes his name to P-Body later thats why hes P-Boy in the first few chapters). " P-Doy waved nice at me I realised these must be prototip Atlas an P-Body from befour they were jerks! "My name is Marrissa Roberts an Im lookin for a time mashine to get me BACK FO THE FURTURE lol." _**The humans loved that movie back in the day. Something about the erratic, technically challenged mad scientist in it who really was incompetent at science. **_Atlas an P-Boyd **How many names does this robot **_**have**_**? **didnt understan becos this was the past an Back to the Future wasnt invented yet. **I really need to get back in touch with civilization so can figure all these stupid pop culture references. **"GLaDS didt make a time mashine yet bu you can sleep in the relax hotel for some years or somefin." P-Boy said an I went there. Little did I no I had assidentaly left some drugs an beer from Wheatly body _I DON'T drink! At least not now. I don't even know HOW to consume fluids in this thing! _in the room an Atlas an Pboy saw them an smoked them an became jerks! _**So are you implying you're directly responsible for everything that's gone wrong in this story? Congratulations, you're finally on the road to discovery of how much you're a horrible person!**_

Usin' a portal I got to relax hotel in notime there was a lot of sleepin guys an a robot ball lookin at them. _**I'm surprised you had the attention span to do something so tedious, moron. **_My heart droped in happy. "WHEATLY!" I screemed ayn rand towards him. Wheetly looked ta me an said "Bloody hell yur the most butiful girl Ive ever wankin seen!" _Did I just use a bunch of British swear words on the girl I'm supposed to be in love with? __**Yes. You monster. **_This must been when Wheatly an I first met! "OMG How do you no my name an woo are you?" **After these past seven chapters, it's better if you don't know. **He asked too.

"Im Marrissa an I no yur name becos... I guessed lucky?" I didt want to let Whatly no I was from the future or Id mess up the time streem. "Do you no how I can get to the future?" Wheatly thot on my question. _**Wrong. The moron does not understand the concept of "thinking." **__HEY! I CAN think through things like… eh… Let me THINK about it. _"Sorry I can think becos yur so hot an pretty I get distracted." _I can't believe my past self was so attracted to a bunch of sweaty unattractive humans! What was I THINKING? Because I can THINK about that- __**All right, moron you can stop trying to prove me wrong now.**_ I lolled at the compliment an gave him a kiss. "I AM IN LOFE WITH YOU!" **You want to stuff her in a "lofe" of bread? Go ahead! **An I smelled at him. "Wheatly yur such a charmer I love you toe." Wheatly o-mouthed an WE STARTED TO MAK OUT! **WOW. Maybe they'll starting get **_**really **_**scandalous and HOLD HANDS! **An you pervs out there Im not riting what happened next! =P **Really? Can I write the rest of the story for you then?**

After Wheatly an are "private time" (winkwink) **Hahaha, I get it… how old is this author? **_**Mentally I'd say around five.**_ Wheatly say "Ill put you in this bed an you can sleep till the future my lopve." _I actually _said _something so mushy-gushy disgusting? What kind of robot was I back then? _I thot to myself how cold I have ever gotted a better guy than Wheet. The it happened! The wall falled away an GLaDOS was lookin at me. "MARRISSA ROBERTS I NO WHO YOU ARE AN THAT YUR FROM THE FUTURE!" _**Technically she's from the author. The sick, miserable author. **_Wheatly got shocked but I telled him "No Wheatly shes a lier!" **No Wheatley, she's out of character! **Wheatly got mad an said "GLADOS IM NOT SCARRED OF YOU NO MORE I GOT THE POWER OF LOVE!" _What a stupid power! I like being in charge better. __**Well you're in the minority. **_So she punce Wheatly a way. "NOW YOU WILL DIE FOR KILLIN IN THE FUTURE!" GLaDOS turned on here nerotksin.

"Did you forgot Im immune to nerotoksin lol?" _**Let's see if you're immune to **_**bullets. **GLaDOS had a "Dude WTF" look on her feces. Then got smart a gain an said "Oh yeah yur powers well I no were they came from an how to stop them." _With the power of love? _**Dear god, I hope not. **Then some thign happened. I got all glowy an electic my powers were strongar then ever. _She's turning into a light bulb isn't she? _"No, imposable!" GLaDOS scrammed an I said "DIE B****!" An shooted my powers but it wasnt rite power. **It was the power of spell correction? Please? **Instead ano black hole opened an I was sucked "LOL you are died!" **Woo hoo! Get out the cake and confetti! **GLaDOS boated an started doin more tests on Chell. Then the black hole got all black insid an I blacked out. **Wait a minute. Cave Johnson once said if you saw yourself traveling back in time it would stop time entirely. **_**Considering, he's a genius compared to this person… let's put that to the test.**_

When I awaked I was in a crass room an there was students ever where with "WTF" looks on their feces. **No. This can't be going where I think it's going… **A guy got up an he looked realy familiar like I seed him befour. "Hi my name is Gabe Jonson an this is my girlfrend Karolin." He ponted at a hot gurl that looked kinna like GLaDOS if she was person. _**The day I become a person is the day the moron in here gains some intelligence. **__CHALLENGE ACCEPTED! _"Who you?" She asked kinna jelous bcos I was touchin her boyfrend. "Uh... Im Marrissa Roberts im a new xchange student." _**From Black Mesa. **_I was tootaly wiered out becos I didt no where I was. **I don't know about you but I'm 95% sure I'm in hell. **Then it clacked. Gabe Jonson... Karlion... I more deeper in tim to the PORTAL HIGH SCHOOL! _**Those words. I will NOT allow them to be in the same sentence together. **_**High school. Thank god I can't remember it. **"My hose blowed up cold I stay with wonna you?" An Karlin said "OK we can be lick sisters!" **No, the correct response is "Why the hell did your house blow up?" **We wents to Karlins becos we were too cool for school **And that phrase is too old to **_**be **_**cool. **which was nice an pink an the guy from Leave it Beaber was next door.

"Welcome to my commode!" Karoline yelled with pride at her room. There was a doble bed an a hairdresser an a toilet an closet with huge cloths. "Ill leave you gurls alone lol." **To do what? Have sex- NO. **Gabe Jonson said an left to do mainly things. _You humans and your masculinity. I really don't get it. __**You don't get anything, moron. **_Karolen an I satted her bed an talked bout cute boys an muisic an stuff. _**I know that isn't Caroline because she'd test this character until her stupidity caused her own demise. **_"How about Justin Beaver isnt he teh hostess?" _I heard from the scientists this was some strange human who they couldn't figure if it was a man or a woman… or something like that. _Karlin looked at me funny. "JUSTIN BABER ISNT INVENTED YET **Then how do **_**you **_**know about this person? **ARE YOU FROM THE FUTURE?" I o-mouthed an said "OH S***!" Then I locked door an covere windos. "Promise you wont tell no none." An Karolin pinky sweated with me. **Yes, the secret powers of the infamous pinky sweat would keep her secret kept safe! Such was the power of a sweating pinkie. **"Alrite Im from the future an Im yur boyfrends dotter an I think yur my mom!" _**Not even in a sick, deluded fantasy could that happen.**_ Karolin o-mouthed I thot from the revlation but then I looked an saw she o-mouthed becos som eone jumped out an... _**And they realized the error of keeping a character so brain-damaged alive this long and thankfully euthanized her.**_

TO BE CONTINUED! **Every time I hope there's an end this sentence just shoots me down…**

WHOS JUMP OUT? _I COULD have jumped into a pit away from this story if it weren't for SOMEONE whose name rhymes with "belt." _**Uh… my name rhymes with "bell" **_EXACTLY! _FIND OUT IN THE NEXT CHAPTER OF ITS MY LIFE!

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><p>Over the course of eight chapters Chell had learned four things:<p>

1. Whoever the hell _wrote _this must have had their brain replaced with Repulsion Gel.

2. Wheatley was about as smart as someone who's brained had turned into Repulsion Gel.

3. She needed to get out of here before her brain turned into Repulsion Gel.

4. She really needed to stop thinking about Repulsion Gel.

"All right," Chell stood up "Interesting as that chapter was, I have to do… human stuff. Nature calls." The sheer thought of human excretion in _her _chamber was enough to make GLaDOS open a panel into one of the more human sections of Aperture.

"And I'm taking him with me." Chell scooped up Wheatley on her way out. "I don't trust you two alone in the same room."

"_That really hurts my feelings you know."_

"Bite me."

Wheatley was starting to squirm in Chell's arms. "Why do I have to watch you do human stuff? I can take GLaDOS down again! Maybe. If I had some _backup _I could… like a grenade or some kind of blunt instrument…"

"_That's right. He could." _GLaDOS said. _"Honest. I'll make sure the little imbecile stays… well… functional."_

"Is 'imbecile' another word for 'moron' that's just fancier? Because even though you didn't imply I think you might have _implied_-"

Chell groaned in frustration and stalked off to the bathroom with Wheatley in tow. Naturally he chattered about how much he _didn't _want to come the entire way.

"Did you _have _to bring me along?" Wheatley complained. "I mean, I get that you human females like to go do your business in pairs but-"

Chell couldn't take it anymore. "Wheatley, that's NOT why I brought you here!"

"Well you don't have to yell it at me!" he replied indignantly. "You could have just told me back there and this whole catastrophe could have been avoided-"

"QUIET!" Chell put a finger to her lips and pointed at the camera following the odd pair.

"_Oh. _I get it! You want us to be quiet so _she _won't hear us and we can make villainous schemes!"

"Agh. Nevermind." This was more painful than solving Test Chamber 18. Compared to now, Wheatley had been an absolute genius when he was coming up with their escape. So why was it that when _Chell _tried to form one he was more incompetent than the Oracle Turret? Joking of course, that would be an insult to the Oracle Turret.

Chell took a deep breath. She was under a lot of stress. And it was all Marissa Robert's fault but at the moment she couldn't find a way to get petty revenge on the author. Wheatley couldn't help that he was… dim-witted. She just had to keep that in mind when plotting revenge with him.

"Wheatley, I need your help."

"Oo, really? With what?" Wheatley said gleefully. "Oi, I have an idea! We could plan an escape!"

"SHH! STOP SAYING-" Right. Patience and collectiveness. Why was it _so hard_? "Look, you put GLaDOS in a potato when you took over the facility. I need to know _where _you got it."

The little core was silent for a moment. Could it be Wheatley was… thinking a plan through? "I don't know! All I did was think 'POTATO!' and then poof! I had one! It was almost like magic!"

Or not. They weren't getting anywhere with this.

"But I always wondered why I just of potato batteries then and thought maybe because vegetable were seemingly harmless and I knew that a majority of humans _hated _them but that's probably just because…" Wheatley rambled on.

"Come on, Wheatley. Let's just get to the next damn chapter." Chell found it increasingly difficult to resist the temptation of calling him a moron. So Chell's diabolical plan would have to wait. For now.

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><p><strong>AN: I just wanted to clear up a question I've seen pop up in some of the reviews: yes, this story is **_**real. **_**As much I would love to say I'm making it up it is honest-to-god real. Be afraid readers. Be very afraid.**

**The story is called "ITS MY LIFE!" and the link is here: 7037708 / 1 / ITS_MY_LIFE Enjoy!**


	9. ChellGLaDOS?

**A/N: As you all probably know, It's My Life was taken down by FFA so when I finally had some free time to work on chapter 9 and found the whole thing was **_**gone… **_**I got a little dismayed. But then… IT CAME BACK! And feeling this was such a **_**triumph **_**I decided to make a note of its **_**success **_**and finally do the next chapter! FOR SCIENCE!**

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><p>AN THIS WILL BE THE CHAPTER WITH ALL THE BIG REVLATIONS! <em>I have a revelation! This story is… TERRIBLE! <em>_**Wow. You're the Aristotle of your generation aren't you? **__I think that was sarcasm but I'm going to ignore it and just pretend you're being sincere!_

PS P-BODY IS A GILR? _**Yes. And the Companion Cube is a singing and dancing transvestite.**__ And I'm intelligent! _THANKS FOR TEH INFO ILL WORK THAT INTO THE STORY!

PPS OF CORSE GABE JONSON IS DEAD THATS WHY MARRISSA FOUND HIM IN ARDOID HELL DUH! **Now it makes sense! He wasn't in Android Hell; he was in "Ardoid Hell!" Clearly they're two different things. **ALSO WHOS CAVE JONSON IS HE LICK GABES EVIL TWIN THATS A GOOD PLOT IDEA! _**You know what they say: if you feed a psychopath an idea, you have to deal with the consequences.**_

ITS MY LIFE! **And my life sucks. When I'm not killing evil computers, I'm reading bad literature. **_**Don't forget destroying equipment.**_

CHAPTER NINE: PORTAL HIGH SCHOOL AN A REVALATION! **WHAT? High school? NO!**

I turnsed round an saw that it was... WHEATLY! "Marrissa Im soo glad I found you! The black bloody hole sodding sucked me in too!" _**I'm sure you'll add lots to this chapter. **__Really? Thanks! I'll be the best commentator EVER! _I gloped Wheatly an gave lots of hug an kisses while CAROLINE (See I listen to constertive crit instead of FALMER TROLLZ **If only you could spell **_**everything **_**right.**) was all "OMFG". Wheatly locked at Carline an said "Who the bloody hell is this ugly bugger?" _**Someone who probably has more brain cells than you. **_Becos she wasnt a pretty an hot as me an Wheetly wasnt used to seein other humans. _Yes I am! I've seen plenty of vegetables- I mean humans. I've seen lots of humans._

"I better explain all this stuff this is my boyfrend Wheatly the robot-ball (I cant rember was GLaDOS called him an it was meen an stupid any way _**M-O-R-O-N. It's not that hard. But then again you can't even spell your own name so I'm not surprised.**_) we're from the future where yur an we need to get back to then." **And I totally expect you to believe me because I'm writing this story! Screw character development! I'M the author! **I gave Carolion the down-lo. "Ok but I am ony a junor in Portal High School so im not smart enuff yet to build a time mashine. But I no some guys hoo can." Then Cabe Jonson came in the room. _I have a theory! Maybe Gabe Johnson is slowly evolving into CAVE Johnson! And right now's he's just Cabe because… because… science!_

"I herd every thing! We must wate for toromow then go to school an time mashine you too." So Gabe Jonson went home an me an Caroline an Wheatly all sleeped in her big doble bed but we didnt do no thing gross lick that ok! _**That's**_** what you consider gross? I have no butt in this story! **The next mornin we woke up an readied for school. "Marrissa how can I school when im a bloody roboball?" _I think you mean a bloody GENIUS! __**No, I think she means an Intelligence Dampening Sphere. **__And _Caroline smied an said "Dont worry I can pretend yur my sience fare project." We got Portal High School in Carlines car which as a cool ferrari. Are long hare was blowin in the breeze an we were signing pop sungs like "Party in the USA" an "Girls Just Wanna Have Fun" **More pop culture I don't know and don't care about… **_**You're not missing much. Humans listened to this filth to feel better about their own empty and miserable lives. **_an Wheatly sang to but didt no the words. _But I can't sing! Can I? You know I've never tried but I could always give it a shot… _

When we gotted to Portal High _**Which does not exist. If so, well… I wouldn't be surprised if the news headlines read "Portal High Destroyed by Neurotoxin." **_there was a lot of guys starin at me becos I was the new girl an more hot an pretty than the others. "Sorry duds Im takin =D" **By a moronic talking metal ball? I think you need some help with your love life. **_**And some psychiatric help would be nice too. **_I waved cool an struted my stuff with Carlion. _Is this some kind of mating ritual you humans do? _**Hell if I know; I spent hundreds of years sleeping in a box. **"When do we meet the time mashine?" I asked to Caraline an she said "Gabe said his frends will meet us a lunch we have to class until then." Are first class was jim (Caroline hacked the net work so all are classes were the same).

Affer we got in are jim close some guys were starin at me an hootin an lookin at my bobs _Why do humans like those so much? They're just balls of meat aren't they? _**Sure. That makes more sense than this story anyways… **so I yelled "YOU PERVEARTS!" An they ran away becos they saw me 'angry face'. _Oo, I'm soo scared! Not really. That was sarcasm. Can't you tell? __**No, really? **_"OMG!" Caroline OMGed "Look at the noo mascots there soo coot!" I looked at them an saw... "Carline those not mascots there... ATLAS AN P-BOY!" **THESE TWO ARE STILL HERE? **Altas an P-Boy saw mee an P-Boy "MY NAME IS P-BODY NOW BECOS IM ACTUALLYA GIRL!" P-Body yelled loud at me. I o-mouthed an Caroline went all "Dude WTF?" **You know that sentence actually sums up my reaction to this story pretty well! **a gain.

"Give us more drugs an beer or well shoot you an yur frend!" _**I have half a mind to scan Orange and Blue just to make sure they don't think like this. **_Atlas goaded an taked out a guns. Caroline was a scarred an shakin while I jus held Wheatly reel tite but he didt say no thing becos he was pretendin to be a sience fare project. _I am NOT a simple science fair project! __**No, you're the product of a thousand minds working to create the dumbest moron who ever existed. **__That's right! I am… HEY! _"OH NO YOU DONT!" A big fat kid russianed at Atlas an P-Body an landed on them like squish! **Yay. More poorly written characters. I'm so. Fucking. Happy. **He goot up an brush robot parts of off him an went to shack my hand.

"My name is Russian name so pepole just call me Heevy cos Im reel fat LOL!" **Yeah, because obesity's hilarious! **_You would know Fatty-fatty No Parents! __**That insult didn't work then and it **_**still **_**doesn't work now. **_Heavy russianed to me while I was shackin his hand. "You got heer just in time." Caroline lolled. The Heavy guy ponted to the left an there were some other guys. "These are my frends, we all has cool niknames they are: Scot, Spy, Solder, Medik, Sniper, Demonman, Piro an Ingineer were seinors so we can smart enuff to build time mashine for you." **I feel like we should know these people… do they sound familiar to you guys? **_**My guess is they're either deceased test subjects or fragment's from the author's twisted mind. **__Or pirates! _The Ingineer got up to me. "Well little lady I herd you need a time mashine builted. Well Im a seinor an I passed my time mashine exam **Author, you do realize most public schools from my time could barely afford a ten-year old computer right? I think a "time mashine" class just **_**might **_**be a little unrealistic. **so I can help!" He started buildin the time mashine when Gabe Jonson came in.

"Well I guess this is goodbye my dotter." He cried a little an gave me hug an I hug back. "Ill miss you to Marrissa Roberts yur the best dotter I didt have yet." **And the worst person I've ever met. **_**The second worst for me. **__Oo! Who's first? _Caroline was cryin so I gave her hug too. The Ingineer gotted up an said "THE MASHINE IS COMPLEET!" _I wonder if I could go back in time and stop this from being WRITTEN! YES! I'll do that! __**Good luck **_**finding **_**a time machine. You'll need it. **_Befour I cold go in the Ingineer stoped me an took out a big nettle. "Also I made a injecshun that will give you speshal powers." **How much you wanna bet that injection's the same stuff "Atlas and P-boy" smoke? **I lolled an said "I already have them becos this is the past this must be how I got them in the first place." The Ingineer thot a min an said. "Okay Ill put them in Caroline so when she babys you then you have them to not mess up the time streem." **This science **_**hurts. **_**And I'm not even a scientist! **He put the nettle in Caroline an electric happened all over her an I felt even MORE POWER FULL. I grabed Wheatly an got ready to go in the mashine when...

MEANWHILE IN THYE FUTURE! **Are you sure it's not just my own personal hell?**

Back in the future Chell was still tryin a booty quake but no thing jigglewiggle. **Good. I'm out of character enough. **"Hey you over there come heer!" A voice said an Chell went to it. It was GLaDOS head not died affer all! _**I've come back to life so many times now. I wish it had been **_**this **_**easy when I was actually dead. **_"I can be yur new booty!" **…No. Just… NO. THIS IS SO WRONG. **So Chell piced up GLADS an put where butt was there. _Wha… is this what happens when humans try to get into the mainframe? __**No you idiot. **_GLaDOS started to LOL all evil an wiers came out of her an into Chell so she was transform just like GLaDOS planed... _**You have got to be kidding me.**_

TO BE CONTINUED!

OH NO CHELL AN GLADOS IS FUSED TO CHELLGADOS! **Ha. Good joke, author. **_But I think she's being serious- _**NO. I refuse to believe this is happening. **HOW CAN MARRISSA STOP HER NOW AN CAN SHE EVEN GET BACK OR IS SOME THING GOIN DOWN AT PORTAL HIGH SCHOOL? _**Every character's already been horribly mutilated beyond recognition. There's simply nothing else they **_**can **_**do. **_FIND OUT NEXT TIEM!

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><p>"ChellGLaDOS." Chell said blankly, a vacant stare in her eyes. "ChellGLaDOS. I… I'm dead, aren't I? Those turrets didn't sing to me. They mauled me to death and now I'm back here."<p>

In case you couldn't tell, Chell had been mentally scarred.

But little did she know GLaDOS had too. At least a little bit. It was nowhere near as bad as the unnamed vegetable incident. But the idea of the two of them fused together was disgusting and wrong on so many levels of science.

"You know" Wheatley mused. "I've been wondering… is Marissa Roberts actually _real_?"

GLaDOS laughed at the core's usual stupidity. _"Of course she is. In your past life she-"_

"I'm serious!" Wheatley said in the most serious of serious tones he could muster. "I've been _thinking. _Really hard too! And I was wondering if she was actually writing a biography and she sent it to us to read so she could do evil stuff to our minds and make us morons!"

"_That has got to be the dumbest theory I've ever heard even for _you._"_ GLaDOS retorted quickly. But something was bothering her. Was Marissa Roberts real? Someone had obviously written this (unless it was a horrible glitch). Could she even be a test subject?

Speaking of test subjects, Chell had gotten unusually quiet for someone who'd been rather chatty lately. Maybe she had finally realized she was on her best behavior when she didn't talk. Still, she wasn't sulking like before but simply lying on the floor most likely trying to force the image of ChellGLaDOS out of her head.

"Wheatley" Chell said. "You've been wrong about a lot of things. I _really _hope you're wrong about this too."

And so the awkward silence returned. No one wanted to go to the next chapter. But it was more of an obligation than an amusing science experiment now._"Here's an interesting fact. We're only halfway through this story." _GLaDOS stated.

Chell lifted her head back up in dismay. "No… you're just lying. You are NOT serious." But for once, Chell could tell GLaDOS wasn't lying. Why else would she say it with such dread?

"_I am one hundred percent not lying to you."_ GLaDOS said. _"Honest." _Chell groaned in frustration.

"Well I say we keep going!" Wheatley exclaimed with forced cheerfulness. "What do you say… ChellGLaDOS?"

"SHUT UP!" Both Chell and GLaDOS yelled simultaneously at Wheatley. The quivering moron actually did what he was told for once. But they really did have to move on.

"_Well. Onto the next chapter." _The horrid text disappeared off the screen only to be replaced by equally horrid text. As the trio dove in, for once they were all thinking the same thing.

Marissa Roberts _couldn't _be real… right?


	10. Mysterious Voices?

AN THIS CHAPTUR IS REALLY ENTENSE BECOS THERES A LOT OF ACKTION! _**Oh yes, it's almost as intense as a turret. Trying to cross the street.**_

ITS MY LIFE!

CHAPTER TEN: WHO IS CAVE JONSON? **Wasn't he that crazy CEO of Aperture who died of moon rock poisoning? **_**Yes, but watch this author mutilate him so badly you won't even recognize him.**_

I got reddy to step into the time mashine with Wheatly when a guy showed up who looked my dad but more meen. **So we know this guy looks mean? Seems like a nice guy to me! **"I am CAVE JONSON who is GABE JONSONS more evil twin!" **Maybe Gabe Johnson works for Black Mesa! That would explain why we've never seen him! **He lolled like bad an some guys camed up from behind him. "I also cloned all yur frends to make evil ones they are called... TEEN FORTRESS 2 (Becos there in High School get it)!" _I get it! Stupid teenagers. They really contribute nothing to the world __**Just like you. **__Yeah, that's… wait, that was an insult wasn't it? _ I new that Caroline had powers now so I just went into the mashine when the evil Demomon explodd it. **Well gosh darn it, if only the author could solve this problem… oh wait! She can. **This was soo sad, I had finally gotted a way to return to the time when an now it was gone. _**The emotion you have about that is overwhelming. **_"NOOOOOOOOOOOOO!" I yelled like the sun an my powers golwed all round me with sparks an lighting. _**That happened to me a long time ago. Except I was being murdered. Maybe the same thing is happening to you now.**_

"I AM THE DEMONMAN!" **This guy only further proves the fact that I am indeed in hell. **Said the Demonaman an he fired bombs _I tried that and let me tell you, it does NOT work. At all. _at the evil guys but Cave Jonson lolled some more an said "I have made the immune with sheelds you cannot hurt them." _**So he **_**did **_**find a use for those mantis men. **_My powers were still chargin up an they finished an I fired a bolt of electric stuff at Cave Jonson but then... _**The sheer mass of how horrible you are caused a rip in the fabric of time and this story collapsed in on itself! **_**I wish. **HE FIRED ANO BOLT OF ELECTRIC STUFF TO ME! **What a twist! I'm sure this will kill Marissa this time! **_And if not…. Then WE can kill her! _"Haha ha! The evil Ingineer gave me powers like yurs Marrissa now you will die!" _You know, it's the dialogue that really makes this story! _He shooted more powers at me but I had a trick, I still had me portal gun. **What are you gonna do, portal him into an endless loop? **I powered up teh gun an fired a black hole to were Cave Jonson was. _**Not only do you fail at English, you also fail at science. Forever. **_

The black hole started suckin up all the things _**Like the correct spelling? **_but Cave Jonson cold fly an escaped. "Can I fly to?" **If the author wants you to! **I asked in shock at the power. "No, you can only space flight but Ill put the power Caroline becos shes yur mom." _How does that- is this how humans reproduce? Do they just give each other powers and little human offspring comes out of… ARGH, this is so confusing! _So the Engineer taked out nettle a gain an put it in Paroline an I started to hoover. **So now she can **_**fly **_**too? Why don't you just make her God by now? **"FLY ON!" I yelled an soared to wards Cave Jonson who was at the tracks beatin up all the football players an tryin to molest the cheer leaders _**As amusing as that sounds, the **_**real **_**Cave would put them in testing. **_becos he was an evil jerk like Atlas an P-Body. "Hey you big jerk Cave Jonson pice on someone yur own size!" **Her boobs probably **_**are **_**the same size as him. **I smirked with hands on hips. "No you dont you die!" Cave lolled an shot lighting bolts an power missiles at me. I used my detective power _She's like Nancy Drew only… not. _to figure out were he wold fire an be in a nother place wen he did. "How can I not hit you with all my big booms?" I lolled at him. "Thats becos yur a bad guy an an bad guys loose!" _**Tell that to Black Mesa. **_Then I shot him with the biggest powerup I ever had an there was a big flash an Cave Jonson was gone. _**I'd say he will be missed but let's be honest. He was a raving madman who let his own stupidity and arrogance get in the way of… oh wait. I'm talking the **_**real **_**Cave Johnson. This one isn't even memorable.**_

I flewed back to the jim an saw Gabe an Caroline an Wheatly an the good Teen Fortress 2 cheerin "Marrissa! Marrissa! Yay!" **Are they going to burn her at the stake now? **_**Only a horrible person like **_**you **_**would hope for that. **_They were all so happy an proud of me _For what? Murder? _it brot a tears to my eye. "You guys are all the best! You shold come with me an Wheatly to the future!" **Yeah, that way the author can spend less time poorly writing us! **Gabe Jonson looked sad an told me "No Marrisser, if we go life in the future then it will break the time streem an cause a paradoks." _Oh yeah! Like this sentence is fa- __**DON'T YOU DARE! **_I cried alittle more an hugged Gabe an Caroline. "I guess this is goodbye my grate future dotter." _**I suppose a family of liars and murderers would revel in the death of Mr. Johnson. **_Caroline sniffled. "Also you must have a nother child named Chell but she will be less hot an pretty than me ok?" **It's nice to know my parent's priorities in my future conception. **They both nodded "Ok" an we were all happy.

"Marrissa I've repaired the time mashine its time for you an Wheatly to home." _Maybe he'll send them so far into the future they'll just cease to exist! __**No wonder you're not a scientist. That logic is worse than this story's. **_The good Ingineer said. I picked up Wheatly hoo was a sleep becos he didnt have his rale to charge on an stepped into the mashine. _Send them back to the dinosaurs so they can be eaten! _Lights started goin an flashin when suddenly... CAROLINE WAS GOT SHOT! "I was not dead it was just a trick!" Cave Jonson sayd holdin up the gun. **Eh… is this how Caroline was uploaded into you? **_**For all I know, her mind could have been uploaded into a potato. I don't care. **_Gabe went on the ground an cried some then stood up an screemed "NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO !" _YEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE S! That's fun! Maybe I'll talk like that all the time- __**Do that again and I'll disable your voice box. **_Then with all the furry from his hole mussely body **So "Gabe" is a furry mussel? Makes sense for this piece of shit story.** Gabe Jonson jump kicked Cave Jonson an blew up his head. **Yep, that's what moon rock poisoning does to you! **Cave Jonson was died for real now but at what cost?

Gabe ranned to Caroline body (I coldnt becos the mashine was still powerin up with me in it). "Carlion, pleese be ok!" **Yeah, you're the only person that didn't get totally mutilated in this story! **Gabe cried to Caroline an blood was comin out of her every where. **You think she's dead? **_**Of course not, she's obviously just sleeping. **_"Im sorry Gabe but the woond is fatal she will dye soon." _Ooh, what color will she be dyed into? Orange? Blue? _The Medik said with tear in eyes. "Gabe, Marrissa, I... love... you..." Then she died. "NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!" Gabe cried a gain. "I will build you a new robot body Caroline an it will be called... GLaDOS!" _And that was the WORST decision ever… __**I can still send you to the incinerator. **__I mean, the BEST decision ever made! _I o-mouthed but befour I cold stop him the time mashine sent me back to the future!

TO BE CONTINUED!

OH NO! NOW MARRISSA AN WHEATLY ARE BACK IN THE PRESENT BUT CAROLINE IS TURNED INTO GLADOS! _**You seem to have forgotten I deleted that little imp. **_AN WHAT IS HAPPENED IN PORTAL LABS NOW THAT CHELL AN FUTURE GLADOS ARE FUSIONED? **Dammit, I thought the author forgot about that. **FIND OUT NEXT IME ON ITS MY LIFE!

* * *

><p>"We did it!" Wheatley cheered. "We got through one more chapter! And now we have… eight more… to go…" Suddenly he didn't feel so cheerful as before.<p>

"Yep." Chell said morosely. It was amazing really. How could anyone write this? Let alone for eighteen chapters? One chapter, she might believe. But _eighteen_? It just wasn't natural. The person who wrote this had to some demented, crazed madman!

"_Look, I know getting through this is difficult for you." _GLaDOS said with false reassurance. _"_

"I can't believe she made me her husband!" Wheatley's core shuddered at the thought. "To think that I would willingly make love to a smelly, disgusting human!"

"What I can't believe is how poorly this lunatic managed to write us!" Chell said. "I mean, am I really that hard to write? And don't answer that, GLaDOS."

"Yeah!" Wheatley agreed. "I mean, I could do an impression of story me and real me and-"

"_They wouldn't be that different." _GLaDOS finished.

"They would too!" Wheatley argued. "Like… _I _don't like humans and the story Wheatley does and _I _don't go around saying a bunch of crazy British words… and that Wheatley's a moron and… I'm kind of a moron too aren't it? Well…" Wheatley found himself running out of differences. "FINE THEN! Let's see YOU do an impression of YOUR character!"

"_You honestly expect me to do something so demeaning. The thought makes me laugh. Ha. Ha. Ha. You really are quite hilarious." _GLaDOS replied.

"You just don't want to do it!" Wheatley taunted.

"_It's not a matter of wanting to do it; I'm just smart enough to realize that doing so would bring me down to the level of stupidity you're at."_

"Who cares? I DON'T! Because you don't want to do it! You don't want to do it!" the core sang triumphantly. "Are you scared to do it? Humans call people birds when they're scared! You're a bird! Bird! Bird! Bird!"

The mention of birds brought back horrible, horrible memories. _"I am NOT a- Very well then, if it will please your scientifically inferior mind." _GLaDOS took a deep pause for emphasis. _"Oh, boo hoo. I'm so sad. I think I'll go slit my wrists. If I had wrists. Not having wrists makes me even sadder. So I think I'll just go listen to strange music. I really am sad. Can't you tell?"_

"Ooo! My turn!" Wheatley piped up. This was his chance to prove to GLaDOS he was better at something than she was! Finally! "Ahem. YOU BLOODY SODDING WANKER I THINK I JUST MIGHT BLUDGER YOU SO GOD SAVE THE QUEEN AND… ehm… yeah… I think that's all I got."

"_You could open Hamlet with that." _GLaDOS remarked. _"But don't be surprised when the audience drags you off the stage and dumps you in the closest incinerator."_

"WAIT! Let me try again!" Wheatley said, determined to top GLaDOS. "YOU BLOODY SODD- I already said that didn't I? Then… eh… nevermind, I lost it again!"

"Care to try a third time?" Chell suggested snarkily. "Maybe this time you won't forget it!"

"NO. I'm not stupid enough to lose it a third time!" Wheatley denied vehemently. "I was _going _to say… eh… YOU still haven't done your impression!"

Both AIs looked at Chell, eagerly awaiting her interpretation. Well, GLaDOS just wanted to see her act like an incredibly brain-damaged, stupid lunatic (not that she wasn't one already). As for Wheatley… he just liked doing the impressions!

Chell stared at both of them like they were aliens from Half-Life 2. "I am _not _doing some silly impression just so you two can laugh at-"

"_Do it or I feed you a tube full or neurotoxin."_

"SHAKE IT BAKE IT! YEAH!"Chell hollered desperately, poorly attempting to "shake it" and "bake it" and failing fantastically. "BOOTY QUAKE IT ROLL AROUND!" Naturally, GLaDOS and Wheatley were enjoying it for entirely different reasons.

"You look funny!" Wheatley said, rolling on the floor laughing.

"_You sound like a dying turret in slow motion." _GLaDOS said, her voice laced with amusement at her worst enemy's suffering.

"SHAKE IT BAKE IT BOOTY QUAKE IT YEAH!" _Please don't pump in neurotoxin, please don't pump in neurotoxin, please don't pump in neurotoxin. _Chell silently prayed. If she had a portal gun, she'd be out of here in a heartbeat but no. This time GLaDOS was smart enough not to give her one. How nice it would have been to portal that story to the moon…

"Can I stop yet?" Chell pleaded, humiliated and tired of acting like a she was on mood-altering substances.

"_In a moment. I'm videotaping this for future references. This will be an _excellent _video to show test subjects." _GLaDOS said.

"You bitch!" Chell yelled angrily, still spinning and attempting to shake it. And bake it. And boot quake it. "Shake it… bake it… AGH." Chell fell to floor, both dizzy and frustrated. But mostly dizzy. GLaDOS observed the site of her former worst enemy sprawled out on the ground.

"_Now I see why you became a test subject. You're acting skills are on par with an amoeba. Except I think that conveys better emotion than you do."_

"It's times like these I think you're enjoying this way too-" Chell sat up. "Do you guys hear that?"

"_The sound of your grating voice? Why yes, loud and clear."_

Chell shook her head, ignoring Insult #342. "No, that… static. Listen!"

The trio strained their ears/listening devices in an attempt to hear more of the mysterious noise Chell claimed to have heard. At first GLaDOS thought Chell was just getting that confused with the voices she most likely had inside that murderous mind of hers. But after a few seconds, she heard _something_. It sounded like the static that accompanied a television screen. The static grew louder, until it surrounded the AI chamber, the trio both transfixed and confused about what to do.

"Where do you think it's coming from?" Wheatley had assumed it was just there because… science! Science made weird static-y noises, right?

"_I'll scan my databases and find out." _GLaDOS quickly combed through Aperture, searching through every file and byte of data her system possessed. _"It says it's… oh my god."_

It was coming from inside _her_.

"_I'm not doing that." _GLaDOS said, a combination of bewilderment and irritation in her voice. She looked over at Wheatley. _"You broke my facility, didn't you?"_

"What are you talking about? I didn't break anything!" Wheatley sputtered nervously. "Well, there was that one time I broke the neurotoxin control room…. And then the management rail broke one other time and oh no, I broke that group or nanobots and that time when- AAH!"

A claw had descended from the panels and grabbed Wheatley. _"If I were you, I'd try a little harder right now to use your brain and answer me truthfully." _GLaDOS threatened, yellow optic inches away from Wheatley's own closed optic. _"Did you do anything, even the smallest altercation, to my body while you were leeching off it?"_

"I swear I didn't do anything!" Wheatley cried, his voice overwhelmed by the static. "I did try to kill you and I took over your body but that was the only thing I-"

"Hello?"

GLaDOS dropped Wheatley in surprised and he crashed to the floor, rolling next to Chell. They had all very clearly heard a voice come from GLaDOS's own intercoms that didn't belong to GLaDOS. Yet no one wanted to believe it. Even to GLaDOS the thought that a different entity was amongst them was unsettling. Suddenly the room felt even more cold and sinister than before. Chell held Wheatley as if he would protect her from mysterious voices and GLaDOS was rigid.

"Was that…" Chell trailed off as the room was filled with more static.

"Hello?" More static buzzed over the mysterious voice. "Is this… is this thing working?"

Chell gasped. She knew that voice. And GLaDOS knew it too. Despite the robotic sound on top of it, they'd both heard that tone many times below Aperture. It had been with them on the testing tracks, coming and coming out like a ghost. At that moment, the two of them realized almost simultaneously it was a human. Not just any human. A human who had been very, _very _involved in Aperture so much that it killed her.

"_Caroline?"_

* * *

><p><strong>First of all, whoa 65 reviews… I don't know what else to say but thank you so much! As a little celebration treat, I smell some adventure in the next chapters… hint hint. That was a hint. Thanks again!<strong>


	11. Warnings?

GLaDOS was not accustomed to awkward silences. Either she was talking (or insulting) her test subjects or she was occupied with the machinery in the expansive domain of Aperture Science. Wheatley had his own incredibly moronic thoughts to keep him company. And Chell was either listening to one of the two or doing her best to ignore the both of them.

Naturally, a long, awkward silence such as the one they were currently experiencing was, well… awkward.

Chell finally broke the silence. "Is that really Caroline? But how did she…?" Soon the pieces began to connect. Chell raised an eyebrow at GLaDOS. "You didn't delete her, did you?"

"She _can't _delete me," the voice explained before GLaDOS could fabricate another lie, "I'm ingrained into the system; when she's shut down, I'll shut down with her. If she's terminated, I'll be terminated with her."

"So _you're _Caroline?"

"No, I'm Cave Johnson. Who the hell do you think?" So _that _was where GLaDOS got her sarcasm from.

"She sounds like GLaDOS except… nice," Wheatley said with the wonder of a small child.

"_I am perfectly nice," _GLaDOS said vindictively.

Chell remarked, "She sure sounds fine for someone who was forced to upload her mind into an AI!"

"_She _had to go through a ton of firewalls to reach you idiots so listen up!" Chell, Wheatley, and even GLaDOS were pulled back to the attention of their unexpected guest. "How far along have you gotten into the story?"

"We've read five chapters!" Wheatley piped up, convinced that just for once in his robotic life he was right about something.

"_It's Chapter 11, moron."_

"Well sorry if I wasn't around to go through the first couple chapters with you!" Wheatley retorted. How could he have been wrong _again_? Maybe detaching from his rail didn't kill him but it caused him to be wrong about everything!

"_Oh, don't worry,"_ GLaDOS said in a pleased tone,_ "Once we're done, to add to your punishment you'll get to read this story ten more times and write a fifty-page essay on how the prose has affected you and made you even more moronic than you already are."_

"But I can't write! I don't have _hands_," Wheatley pleaded futilely.

GLaDOS laughed. _"Then you're going to be spending a _long _time on that essay aren't you?"_

"You wouldn't!"

"_Believe me, I _would_." _

And so another conversation between Wheatley and GLaDOS escalated into another petty argument and Chell was left with figuring out what to do with Caroline.

"We really were about to start Chapter 11 until you showed up." Chell explained. Suddenly a brilliant idea came to her. "In fact… do you mind sticking around? There are just _so many_ questions I have to ask you; it could take all week! As… _interesting _as this story is, I'm dying to hear about… eh… science! Yeah, I _love _science much more than literature!" That was technically true; if science and literature were deadly poisons and Chell was forced to consume one of them she'd go with science!

"Unfortunately, the security in this system won't allow me to stay long," Caroline replied, unknowingly crushing Chell's hopes and dreams of escape, "I've got ten minutes at the best and five of those minutes have already been wasted on those two morons bickering at each other."

"WE ARE NOT A MORON!" Wheatley yelled. It was practically default by now that anytime someone said the word moron that response came out of him. "Wait a minute… did you say that _both _of us are?"

"_She was _obviously _referring to you," _GLaDOS snarled. _"I'm not the one who's still convinced that attaching turrets to Companion Cubes was a brilliant idea."_

"For your information, they are Walky-Turrets Doubling as Cubes. And _I _wasn't the one who had the bright idea to keep the stalemate resolution button RIGHT next to the main chamber!" Wheatley bickered, "Stupid little Wheatley actually did something _useful _with all those bombs you just so happened to have lying around!"

"By the way, the feeling of my flesh burning off _really _hurt when those bombs went off," Chell added, "In fact, there's always something I wanted to ask you. Just a little question but _why the hell did you try to kill me repeatedly?"_

"Because you called me a moron!"

"I didn't call you a moron, SHE did!"

"But you _felt _it!"

"_The only reason I called you a moron is because I was merely stating the literal facts-"_

"Would you all SHUT UP?"

Despite being only a robotic voice that sounded like a sweeter, more human version of GLaDOS, Caroline sure knew how to get the world's chattiest AIs to get quiet. Perhaps Cave Johnson had hired her for her sense of authority. Chell, Wheatley and GLaDOS all snapped back to the attention of their unexpected visitor.

"I swear trying to communicate with you three is like talking to a brick wall and thinking it'll listen!" Caroline said with profound exasperation, "We spend millions of dollars getting our A.I.s to work and this is how our Genetic Lifeform and Disc Operating System turns out? You're Artificial _Intelligence _not Artificial _Stupidity_. That's why we built the Intelligence Dampening Sphere!"

"YEAH! That's why they built me!" Wheatley cheered on. "Wait… is that _really _the only reason they built me? Surely I did something else like, I don't know, make coffee?"

"_Look, my patience is wearing thin with you," _GLaDOS said to Caroline, _"In fact, I'm pretty irritated with you at the moment. Even if I _can't _fully delete you, I can still send you back to whatever hell you were shoved in before you wrangled your way into _my _mainframe. So if I were you, I'd start talking. Your reasons for showing up like this had better be worthwhile."_

"Fine by me. I didn't hack through pages of encrypted hardware to listen to your condescending voice anyways." Caroline retorted. "I came here because I have a warning for you about this work you're attempting to read. I'm afraid… you were never supposed to find this story."

"_You were never supposed to remain in _my _mainframe after I deleted you but you did anyways-"_

"Wait, _what_?" Chell interrupted, much to the agitation of GLaDOS. "But I don't understand… why shouldn't we be reading this story? It's just bad writing, bad characters, and little to no plot. Sure, it makes me want to slit my wrists but there's nothing _dangerous _about reading… is there?"

"Don't you think it's a little odd that this writer knows you three _so well _that she can skewer each of you to the point that you're not even caricatures of yourselves?" Chell frowned. It _was _awful strange that this completely random person she didn't even know knew who she was. "And isn't it particularly convenient she knows the history you three have had together?"

"_Anyone could write what this person wrote," _GLaDOS scoffed, _"I have an extensive collection of archives detailing _every _bit of history that happens in my facility and anyone with half a brain could go through-"_

"Does this person _honestly _seem like she has even half of her brain intact to you? Seriously? You couldn't even lie to _yourself _that something so ridiculous was true!"

Caroline was right. Whoever this author was, she was thirty-one flavors of absolutely insane. But Wheatley still couldn't figure out how this all connected. He couldn't figure that out with a lot of things but especially this! And doorknobs. How the hell did humans work them?

"I KNOW HOW SHE KNOWS ABOUT US!" Wheatley yelled as loudly as his auditory systems would allow him. The sound nearly knocked Chell off her feet. Oh well, she didn't need those eardrums anyways…

"_Oh joy, the moron has something to contribute to the conversation." _GLaDOS said dryly,_ "I'm certain it will be of such immense value Alfred Nobel will come back from the dead and award him the Nobel Prize."_

"Marissa is spying on us _right now as we speak._" Wheatley whispered, "She's been secretly following us around this whole time watching and waiting for the right time to attack and… and…" Why was Chell staring at him like he was almost as deranged as the author? "Eh… yeah. I guess I need to work on that theory…"

"What will happen if we _do _keep reading this story?" Chell asked Caroline, curious but also a little uneasy. There had to be a strong reason for Caroline to put so much time and effort into hacking into the mainframe and getting past GLaDOS. Could the story really be _that _harmful?

"All I know is that continuing could lead to… disastrous results. Of what kind, I don't know. But it seems like finishing the story causes some kind of… trigger to spring."

"So what do we do?"

"Stop reading the story!" Caroline said as if it were an obvious solution to an incredibly simple test. "You three are like little children I have to spell out everything for! That's why I never _had _kids, actually…"

"_That's not going to happen," _GLaDOS stated. _"These two have caused me so many problems and I'm _not _wasting a chance for revenge because of some urban legend you-"_

"Did you _not _just understand that I told you in layman's terms finishing this horrid piece of literature will lead to _unfortunate consequences_?" Caroline said, her voice growing increasingly frantic. "If you don't stop now then EVERYTHING you know will be gone and warped beyond-"

**[CAROLINE DELETED]**

"_Well, as fun as that was," _GLaDOS said nonchalantly at the second deletion of Caroline, _"I think it's about time we move on to the next chapter."_

"But Caroline said-" Chell argued in vain.

"_Caroline is nothing more than the rambling female equivalent of Cave Johnson. I highly doubt her already vague facts are credible and let's face it. _You _aren't in the most convenient position to back out of this." _GLaDOS said menacingly._ "Or at least… your respiratory system isn't."_

Chell didn't like it. But she liked it better than dying a slow and painful death so she shoved her uneasiness aside and braced herself for yet another chapter of Marissa's bat-shit crazy life.

* * *

><p>AN I CANT BEELEVE HOW MANY REVIEWS MY STORY IS GETTIN SOON ILL HAVE A HUNDERD! <strong>If this is what humanity reads now, then I think I'd prefer to stay here. <strong>I LOVE YOU GUYZ! _**The feeling is not returned. Dare I say we… despise you?**_

PS OK I WAS RONG ABOUT CAVE JONSON I THOT HIS NAME WAS GABE SO TO FIX THE PLOT HOLE, **Which one? There are probably a hundred you still need to fix! **AFTER MARRISSA WENT TO FUTURE GABE JONSON CHANGED NAMED TO **CAVE** IN ONOR OF HIS DED BROTHER. _Awww, that's so sweet! If I had a brother I would- __**But you don't because you're just that unlikable. No one would ever want to be related to you for fear of inheriting your stupidity. **_

ITS MY LIFE!

CHAPTER ELEVEN: RIES OF CHELLGADOS

"Oh thank bloody god were finally back in the sodding present Marrissa!" _Oh thank bloody god I don't really sodding talk like that! Oh wait… I just did, didn't I? _Wheatly happily said to me as we got out of time mashine into Portal Labs like it was befour. With GLaDOS an Atlas an P-BODY died from last time now we cold have peace at last. **Obviously not considering we have SEVEN FUCKING MORE CHAPTERS. **Then some weerd noises started to come out of the walls lick something was climbin in im. The wall boomed up an a the scarryest thing ever came out it was... CHELL AN GLaDOS FUSIONED. _**This is not science. This is an ABOMINATION. **_

"Hahaha Marrissa you didt make sure I was realy dead. **I guess she took up a hobby such as reanimating the dead. **Now I have fused with Chell an she is the body an I am the brane an butt (Becos shes a a**!) _I can't argue with that! __**Notice how the author didn't make **_**you **_**the brain. I find it rather sad that even delusional lunatics like this person can recognize your vast lack of intellect. **_" Chell was all covered with robothings an wiers with GlaDOSs head were her booty was an sum tubes in Chell face. **Ew. Just… ew. EW. I need a shower. NOW. **"Buggering wanker shes gone mad!" Wheatly cried. CHELLGAODS lolled an opened a door from the wall an guess who stepped oot... ATLAS AN P-BODY bu something was diffrent about P-Body. She had a big bumpy thing in her robot place. _Wha- how can this happen? __**Well, moron, when a robot and another robot love each other very much… they appear in horrible literature and proceed to rip themselves apart so they can donate their spare parts to **_**real **_**science.**_

"Atlas you b**** you madded me preganent _THIS CAN HAPPEN? Oh god, what if _I _get pregnant now and have a smelly little human?_ now I cant drink or smoke drugs!" **I swear every time these two pop up I expect them to appear with a PSA or something. **P-Body was soo mad soundin but Atlas said "Well you sholda thot about that befour we-" "SHUT UP YOU TO AN KILL MARRISSA!" **I'm down with that order! **CHELLGaDOS interoperated, they looked mean at me but I was fed up with all this an just shot my power blast at them an Atlas an P-Body bloomed up. _I don't understand. Are they robots or flowers? _**Who cares? They're finally dead! **"Oh dear god save the queen its some bloody toobs!" Wheatly pointed up with eye an I look up an saw that toobs made Atlas an P-Body a gain! **Dammit…**

"Ever time you kill them I can just rebuild LOL" CHELLGaDOS said really loud. I did a doble jump an grabed the toob, stuffin Wheatly in my jumpsuit so he was happy becos my chests were so big an squishy. **There must be a whole convenience store underneath Marissa's jumpsuit. **I climed up the toob an entered the walls behind. All the wierd drawings was there sayin stuff like "The cake is lie" an things. There was only one person hoo cold stop CHELLGaDOS... RATMAN! **What the what? Who the hell is he? **_Maybe he's rat… who's a man! That's why they call him Ratman! Like a superhero or something- __**He's a scientist who's more of a lunatic than the both of you combined. **_**Then how do you… **_**He's dead. Possibly. **_

I had to find him usin my detective powers so I used them an saw that Rtaman had writed this stuff about 10 AM so the trale was still hot. **I guess there **_**would **_**be time in this story but I just assumed they lived in some warped reality where time didn't exist… **I ran thru the air ducks dodgin fans an cleaner robots that keeped sayin I was soo pretty an asking me to date _**I think- well actually I **_**know **_**you're mistaken. You mistook the adorable voices of the turrets as indications they have some sort of affection for you. Well, they don't. They want to watch you body get riddled with holes. **_them so Wheatly said "F*** OFF YOU BLOODY BURGERS!" _What? They told me if I ever swore I would die! But I just did it there! _An they stopped makin words. There was a crumbly sound an I looked back, CHELLGaDOS was followin me thru the ducks! **I'm going to have nightmares about this for the rest of my life. **_**You are? At least you'll forget about it when you die. **_**I**_** have to spend centuries cleaning this memory from my data banks. By myself.**_

"YOU CANNOT ESKAPE ME THIS TIME MARRISSA YOU WILL FINALLY DYE FOR STOPING ME FROM SEWISIDING AN BREAKIN MY TESTS!" **Five combustible lemons she defeats story-GLaDOS **_**again. **_She was soo mad that she punched alls the way thrur part of the air duck an made Chells hand all bloody an bone. "YEOOUCH!" **I couldn't take this story seriously before but now that it's using cartoonish sound effects, I **_**really **_**can't take it seriously. **CHELLGaDOS yelled forgettin she was Chell an GlaDOS now so both feeled the same hurt. I lolled at them an sprinted way with my lung fall boots. _**I do hope your lungs are**__**ripped out of your body and made into fall boots. **__Well, that's dark! __**Would you want any punishment less for such a horrible character?**_

The air duck collapsed so it was a good thing my long boobs cold brake the fall. **And you fail science forever. **_Well if her… cores are as big as she says they are, then I guess it's plausible! _"Its a good thing we finally meet at last, Marrissa." A strange lookin guy with thin an labcoat that was like cape say. "I am Ratman I fight a gainst the bad robots lick CHELLGaDOS an now we can teem up. Heer take this weapon its like GLaDOSs diskourage lazer beams but a gun." **So she's not gonna question the random guy in a lab coat handing her combat weapons at all? **I lolled at him an esplained "I dont need weapons I have cool powers instead." _**Science is "cool". You are not science hence you are not "cool". **_**I don't think I like it when you say cool. **An I went all glowy an electric an Ratman got a "dude WTF" look on his feces. _What- now that's just disgusting! I don't want to hear about your disgusting human excretion!_

He got two of the lazer guns an put them on an said "Alrite Marrissa lets get ready to fight an kill CHELLGaDOS once an four all!" But I got kinna nervos becos then I wold have to kill my retorded sister an mom together too... _**So not only are you hopelessly deranged, you're now a murderer. **_**Just like you! **_**And you. **__And me!_

TO BE CONTINUED!

SORRY THIS CHAPTER IS SHORT BUT THE NEXT ONE IS THE BIG FINAL BATTLE BETWEEN MARRISSA AN CHELLGADOS OR IS IT? **So… can it still be short? **FIND OUT NEXT TIME! _Well, maybe the writer will put some effort into the next chapter since it's supposed to be this big final battle–_

**_DUNDUNDUNDUNDUN! Did someone say big final battle? It ain't gonna be such a big battle until **_**I **_**get there!_**

* * *

><p>"<em>You have got to be kidding me." <em>GLaDOS said flatly. The trio stared dumbfounded at the unexpected visitor in the main chamber.

In the midst of reading god-awful literature, the odd trio tended to grow rather unobservant of their surroundings. Unsurprisingly, Marissa tended to do that to them. Little did they know that a certain core had been gallivanting on the management rail pretending to be a muscle-bound, adventurous and dashingly handsome archeologist who just so happened to be one-quarter god when he heard the sounds of an adventure coming from the main chamber. So he swooped in like a manly knight upon a fabulously manly stallion, ready for some adventure.

Oh yes, Rick the Adventure Sphere was ready for some adventure.

* * *

><p><strong>AN: Woo hoo, Rickventure! I would normally write Caroline as a lot more sweeter and subdued but since this is a parody of a parody I decided to do something a little more… different. I actually found it quite fun to write sassy Caroline! There was A LOT of writing I had to do for this chapter which is why it took so long… I hope it's worth it and thanks for all the reviews!**


	12. Death?

"You… you gave the management rail to THIS guy?" Wheatley exclaimed in betrayal. If he were programmed to have tears he would have been sobbing right then.

"This _guy _happens to be the finest adventurer on the whole planet… NO. On the whole _universe_," the Rick the Adventure Core bragged. "Not that _you _would know, being a sissy little wimp!"

"_And a moron," _GLaDOS added.

"I AM NOT A- You know what?" Wheatley turned away from the two AIs, "I'm not going to listen to either one of you. From this point on, I am NOT talking to either one of you and I will only respond to being called my proper name by _anyone else who isn't either one of you_. Do you hear that?"

"_I'd be astonished if you went five minutes without using that worthless voice box of yours to talk about subjects only a moron could comprehend due to their well… simplicity."_

"I give him two minutes before he starts talking again!" Rick said, "Who wants to bet? I give the moron ONE minute before he-"

"Do you have to use the word, 'moron' like that?!" the aforementioned moron burst out, "You know there are _other _words that- agh, I'm didn't mean to talk to you!"

While Wheatley was fuming, Chell stretched her arms and asked the sexiest and most badass core in Aperture Science, "So what are you even _doing _here?"

"I was just hanging around, protecting the facility from _danger _and checking out my awesome Pecs," Rick proclaimed loudly over Chell muttering that he didn't even _have _Pecs, "when I heard some strange noises coming from the main chamber. My Rick Senses were tingling and I just _knew _there was a pretty lady that needed my rescuing. So I SWOOPED in… and found you nerds in here and absolutely no danger at all!"

"Well, that's not 100% true, considering the sheer danger this story is to my mental health…"

"What? Reading books? That ain't _real _danger!" Rick replied. "_Real _danger is clawing you way through a jungle and fighting your way pasts hordes of Nazis to claim the-"

"Oh really?" Wheatley challenged, his optic narrowed at Rick. "If you think you're so tough and brave, then why don't _you _sit here and read a chapter with us then? Unlike you, I've spent _seven _chapters reading this awful story-"

"_With your mental capacity, a story like this is most likely at your reading comprehension level anyways," _GLaDOS said to Wheatley.

"SHUT UP!" Wheatley snapped, his fear of GLaDOS temporarily gone. He turned back to Rick. "So what do you say, huh? Think you're _brave _enough to sit here and suffer through this like the rest of us?"

"You're on, wimp," Rick said menacingly.

It was the scientific equivalent of a showdown. AI glared at AI. It probably helped that Rick was not-so-discreetly humming Western showdown music. Chell peered over at the two cores. "So… are you guys ready to get this over with?"

"Pfft, I was _born _ready," Rick said enthusiastically.

And so with Chell's tenacity, GLaDOS' snarkiness, Wheatley's naïveté, and Rick's… manliness, the odd group began the next chapter.

* * *

><p>AN YOU GUYSARE ALL SO WEIRD! <strong>Says the person who thinks it's normal to have a robot head attached to my ass. <strong>YOU WERE GIVIN ME GOOD REVIEWS THEN YOU SAY IM A TROLL AN THAT YUR GONNA KILL ME AN PUT SALT IN MY THINGS? _Putting salt in her things? How does that even kill humans?! I swear the biology of these bloody humans is absolutely disgusting… _IF IT WERENT FOR THE PEPOLE HOO REALLY LICK MY STORY LIKE THE BUZINESS GUY AN SEPHRAL AN CAT _**I believe I just found some new test subjects. **_NOT BOUNCY ID STOP IT RITE NOW! _You can stop now! Really! The story would be even better if you just stopped! Oh please stop! PLEASE STOP I'M BEGGING YOU!_

PS - I NO THAT GLADOS IS SPELLED GLADOS I CALLED HER FUSION CHELLGADOS BECOS CHELL ALREADY HAS THE LS AN IT SOUNDED MORE COOLER! **_Pfft, that ain't cool! You know what **_**is **_**cool? An evilly sexy and devious AI named Rick. Just sayin'_**

ITS MY LIFE!

CHAPTER TWELF: THE FINAL BATTLE _This isn't going to be the final battle is it? _**Considering we have six more chapters after this… no. Someone please grab a turret and shoot me already.**

Ratman an I were goin thru the air ducks to get to CHELLGADOSs layer were the final show down wold be. _**Weeeee. I can hardly contain my anticipation. **_Wheatly was growlin an tryin to be scarry becos he didant have weapons so he was lick are cheer leader. _I AM NOT A CHEERLEADER! _**_Think again, wimp. If **_**I**_** wrote this story I'd make you the nerd **_**and **_**a sissy cheerleader_ **We intered the layer an saw CHELLGADOS buildin turrents but these ones was speshal becos they cold walk a round an shoot an stuff! "INTURDER!" One of the turrents called to CHELLGADOS. CHELLGADOS looked at me with all the angry she ever had. _**Which wasn't very much considering she's brain-damaged beyond repair.**_

"Marrissa Roberts you have interfeared with my plans for the last time becos now I will kill you." _**Why kill her when you can **_**test **_**her? **_Then she seed Ratman an got more angry. "RATMAN IS A LIFE? NOW YOU WILL BOTH DYE!" **Now Rattmann will be A DEATH. **CHELLGADOS taked out her portal gun wich was modified to shoot bullets lick a reel gun but cold shoot portals to just in case. _In case what? You wanted to solve a test while you're on your bloody murder rampage? _She fired the portal gun an it hit Ratman with a boom an I thot he was dead for sure. **Unless portal guns are now actual guns, I highly doubt that. Then again, I guess I shouldn't rule that out in this drek of a story.**

But Ratman gotted up! **The people in this fic have more lives than cats! **_**For the record, cats only have one life. Believe me, I tested that. **_"Silly CHELLGADOS you cannt hurt me becos..." He pulled down his pants an I saw that he had replased his man thingys with... the space an rick cores! "IVE GOT BALLS OF STEEL!" **_WHAT?_ **_**Oh, you are kidding me. **__I feel violated and disturbed and I'm not really even sure why. _(Thats from a game called Duke Nukum Forever its funny **Ahaha, no. Not even a little bit.**) The space core was still thing he was in space but Rick was mad at been one off Ratmans tentacles. **_Damn right I was! **_**He **_**should be the one being **_**my **_**tentacles!_ **"Well then ill just portal you into space like Wheatly an see how you like it you wont!" CHELLGADOS shooted a nother portal unner Ratmans feet an he was sucked into s space. "No dont you are my dotter Chell!" _How many parents does she have anyways?! __**In case you forgot the real Chell has no parents because no parent would ever want to care for such a despicable monster as her. **_Ratman yelled as he got sucked in.

"OMG HOW?" CHELLGADOS an me said at the same time to gether. "It all storted a long time ago..." **_Aw man, are gonna have to hear some old and boring story? Not interested, old guy_ **Ratman gave us the down lo as he was just barely hanging on to the portal. "I used to work for Gabe Jonson affer he changed his name to Cave in onor of his dead brother. _**I think that's just the schizophrenia talking, Rat. **_Caroline was got shot as you no Marrissa an was put in a robot body that was called... GLaDOS!" _That makes absolutely no sense but I don't care anymore! I'LL JUST GO WITH IT! _CHELLGADOS o-mouthed at his shockin words. _**The absolute inaccuracy of this ludicrous story **_**is **_**rather shocking, isn't it? **_"Gabe new he wold have to dotters named Marrissa an Chell but since GLaDOS was a prototip she an Cave coldnt make baby normal way an instead used the artificial enseamanation an grew test toob babys. _So you're not a _real _human then?! _**What? Of course I'm real… kind of. **But there was a miksup an my dna got used instead of Gabes for one of the toobs that toob was... CHELL!" _**Funny how this story makes less sense than the real Rat's scribblings around my facility. **_Then Rutman coldnt hold on any longer an fell into space an died. **I'll miss that dynamic and compelling character so much.**

Then CHELLGADOS started shackin an looked funny. Chell was fightin back a gainst GLaDOSs control! **_THAT'S RIGHT! FIGHT THE POWER!_ **"Marrissa there is not much time left you must kill me to stopped GLaDOS once and four all!" **Ooh, do I get killed off in this story! Sweet! **I o-mouthed becos Chells brane damage was cured so now I coldnt put her out of MISERY lol. **You… you horrible person. **"But I cannt kill you Chell yur my sister _But if we weren't related, then I'd kill you in a heartbeat! _there must be a nother way! Chell got sad "Hurry GLaDOS is takin control!" An she started lollin with evil. **If I had to pick between being in this story and being mind-controlled by GLaDOS… that'd be a pretty tough choice, actually. **There was no way I cold kill Chell an then I rembered that GLaDOS used to be Carlion an that made me not want to kill herr neither. _**By all means get yourself killed then. You contribute absolutely nothing to the world and I would **_**not **_**want to meet my end at the hands of someone so idiotic and pathetic as **_**you.**

"Bloody hell Marrissa shes powerin up!" Wheatly screemed from inside my jump soot an I looked up an saw CHELLGADOS was floatin in air an electric stuff was comin out off her. "THANKS MARRISSA YUO REMINDED ME THAT I USED TO BE CARALIN SO I REMBERED THAT I HAVE POWERS TOO!" _**Clearly the author of this story spent many years studying the field of genetics. I haven't seen science this intricate and thought-out since the portal technology. Honest. **_I o-mouthed, that dumb ingineer forgot to make it so only I gotted the powers! I didant no what to do now an it seemed hope less when a herd a sound. _You heard the sound of a herd? Are they coming to stampede on you?! Because that would be nice if they could just trample on you and this story would stop existing… _"Hey b**** were heer for backup!" It was... ATLAS AN P-BODY! **Oh joy, these two.**

"OMG why are you jersk helpin me?" **Seriously, **_**why**_**? You spend every other chapter as swearing coked up alcoholics. **I asked while o-mouthin from the shock. "Becos CHELLGADOS is half yur sister an we dont lick you so we dont lick Chell neither!" **So you're helping Marissa? What's the logic in this? **_**Are you honestly still trying to find logic in this tangled mass of horrendous literature? **_Atlas eksplained. "An I rembered that you gave us the drugs an beer in the first place so if it wasnt for you we woldnt have drugs an beer!" _I hope these robots get sick and DIE from alcohol poisoning. _**I'm all for that! **P-Body added an Atlas nodded like yeah! We started ti fire are portal guns at CHELLGADOS an the portals combined to make a big portal black hole. **SCIENCE!**_ Do orange holes and blue holes really make black holes? __**As far as you know.**_

"OH SH**!" CHELLGADOS screamed as the GLaDOS parts were all sucked out off Chell. _**Because not even outer space wants to deal with a brain-damaged lunatic. **_Ones all of GLadOS was gone we closed the portal an Chell falled down on the ground. "Chell I safed you!" **Ugh, just when I thought they'd finally killed me off… **I rant to my sister an gave her hug. "Marrissa Im sorry, but the damaje from GLaDOS was to much..." An she dyed in my arms. **So I'm no longer in the story? YES! **"Nooooo Chell my sister you are died!" I cried soooo much an Whealty cried to becos they was frends **Oh yes, the core who actively tried to kill me more than once is **_**totally **_**my BFF! **even Atlas an P-Body looked kinna sad. _**You must have poor vision then because Orange and Blue are incapable of comprehending human emotions of that nature.**_

I put down Chells body an stand up when there was a clikclak nose be hind me. "LOL we tricked you to get yur guard down Marrissa! Now die b****!" An Atlas an P-Body lolled an shot me in head. **_BANG! Just a little sound effect I made to give some REAL action to the story_ **"Marrissa!" Wheatly screamed an ever thing got really black an I died. _Joy! Sweet joy! I don't think I've ever felt so much joy at the death of a human being! _**You sure as hell seemed to enjoy trying to kill me… **_**I haven't felt this much satisfaction since the time you **_**almost **_**choked on neurotoxin. **_

TO BE CONTINUED? **Does the question mark indicate it **_**won't **_**be continued?**

OH NO MARRISSA IS DIED! _**And for that I think now is a good time to celebrate with some cake. **_CAN WHEATLY SAFE HER? **_That pansy? Hell no! But ol' Rick'll save the day!_ **_What? I'm not a pansy! Am I? _FIND OUT IN THE NEXT ONE PS IM THINKIN OF MAYBE WRITIN A SPINNOFF A BOUT TEEN FORTRESS 2 AN GABE JONSON AN CARALION LIVIN IN PORTAL HIGH SCHOOL **NO. **_No! __**Absolutely not. **_WHAT DO YOU GUYS THIN? **_I think this story's a DRAG_**

* * *

><p>"So… is that Marissa lady <em>dead<em>?" Wheatley asked hopefully.

Chell almost couldn't believe it herself. But she'd read the atrocious text. As horrible and garbled as the spelling was, she could still clearly read "I died," spoken by the awful protagonist of that awful story. Chell had never felt so gleeful in her life. Well... setting foot out of Aperture felt really good but that was nothing compared to the death of Marissa Roberts!

"I think so," Chell answered with an exuberant smile on her face.

"OH YES!" Wheatley shouted with joy. "I've never felt this happy! Not since I fell off the management rail and realized that I didn't die!"

"_Look at you two,"_ GLaDOS remarked, _"Callously celebrating the death of another human being. If it were anyone else, I'd be appalled. But I suppose a reaction from you two murderers is completely appropriate."_

"Who cares?" Chell said excitedly. "Marissa is DEAD! Complete and totally DEAD! I swear I've never felt so-"

_"I think you two are forgetting one crucial thing: we still have seven chapters left."_

And with that one sentence all the joy and happiness Chell and Wheatley had previously possessed was sucked out in an instant. Doing that seemed to be GLaDOS' specialty.

* * *

><p><strong>AN: Oh hey, this is still alive (ged it? cuz dere not DED!). As you may have noticed, this story hasn't updated in **_**months**_**! I'm sorry it took so long to update, but again, it's not a story I actively update and I wasn't having as much fun with the story as I was in earlier chapters. So I took a break (a long one at that…) to work on other things outside of fanfiction and now I'm back! I can't say when the next update is but I promise I will update!**


	13. Ressurekshun?

_"All right, break time's over," _GLADOS announced.

"Finally! It's about-" Chell caught herself. The break couldn't have been for more than five minutes, but it felt like much more time had passed. One year, four months, and twenty-nine days to be exact. She blamed the Adrenal Vapor.

Meanwhile, Wheatley stared into the distance. Then, for a robot with little brain capacity, his mind conjured up a most unusual thought. "It's almost like the author got preoccupied with her own life and slowly forgot about finishing this story until she checked the review page and realized people were still following it..."

"Did you say something?"

"Huh? What?" Wheatley blinked in surprise, his revelation already forgotten. "Oh, not really. Just having a thought."

_"Careful, moron. Too many of those and you might short circuit yourself," _GLaDOS said.

Before Wheatley could interject, Chell asked, "Are there _really_ six more chapters?"

_"Would I lie to you?"_

"YES!" Wheatley blurted. "You are the biggest liar ever! I'll bet this isn't even a real story, and you just made it up!"

_"If I'd wanted to create a story to torture you two with, I wouldn't write something so asinine as this," _GLaDOS said. _"No, I think the appropriate story to punish you two with would be much more potent. I may even throw in some neurotoxin to enhance the effect."_

If the quality of this awful story didn't make Chell finally lose it, GLaDOS and Wheatley arguing _would_. She was a simple human, with a simple, necessary need for _silence_. Still... it could be worse.

_"Enough stalling. You two have a story to read."_

Actually, no it couldn't be worse.

* * *

><p><em><strong>AN OMG I GOT 102 REVIEWS EVEN IF THERE MOSTLY DUM FLAMERZ THATS STILL PRETTY GOOOD FOR A FIRS STORY! <strong>_

"_This was your first story? I can _hardly_ tell. Really." _

_**ALSO THANK RAI AN APE SOME THING BECOS THEY GAVED ME SOME REALY COOL IDEAS FOR THE NEW CHAPTERS! **_

"_Remind me to put 'Rai an Ape' on my kill list."_

"You have a kill list?" Chell said, honestly not surprised at all.

"_You're at the very top." _Yet again, Chell found little surprise in this fact.

_**PS MARRISSA DIED THAT PROOVES SHES NOT A MARRY SUE OK! **_

"Well of course not, she hasn't married anyone named Sue!" Chell said.

_**PPS THIS HCAPTER IS FROM WHEATLY POV **_

"Another one? Really?" Wheatley said. "What have I done to deserve this?"

GLaDOS did something condescending._ "__Do I even need to elaborate on that question?__"_

_**ITS MY LIFE!**_

_**CHAPTER THIRTEN: MARRISSAS RESSUREKSHUN**_

"_Surprise."_

"How!?" Wheatley cried out in anguish.

"_No_." It wasn't true. Chell refused to believe it was true.

_**This was the most bloody terribel thing ever. **_

"Marissa's 'ressurekshun?' For once I agree with the author!" Chell said.

_**Marrisser was died with a gun shoot to her soddin head an blood an branes were all over ever were. **_

"I don't talk like that!" Wheatley protested.

_**I gared at Atlas an P-Body hoo killed the one thing I loafed an shouted "YOU BLOODY BUGGERS IM GONNA WANK YOU!" **_

"My threats are much more creative than that. They're clever and devious and..." Wheatley paused trying to come up with an even more clever vocabulary word. Failing to do so, he shouted, "CLEVER!"

_**But I didnt have arms so i cold not hurt them but I sooooooo mad they ranned off any way. Bloody sods. "Marrissa why didnt I was able to safe you! **_

"_Because you're a worthless scrap of metal who can't do anything correctly," _GLaDOS said to both the real Wheatley and fictional Wheatley. _"I'd have thought that was apparent by now." _

_**IM SOOOOO SORRY!" An I cried bloody bukets of robottears. It was the end an I thot a bout commitin sewiside like GLaDOS did when a turrent came up to me.**_

_**"GO HEAD AN BLOW ME SODDING BLOODY BRANES OUT SO I CAN BE AT PIECE!" **_

"I am not one of those smelly humans! I can't have any brains to blow out!" Wheatley said.

"_Oh good, you finally came to grips with your crippling brainlessness."_

_**I yelled loud at the turrent. "No im diffrent! I am Oracle Turrent an I no how to make Marrissa alife!" **_

"Really? Because the Oracle Turret just blabbed about lemons and Greek myths to me..." Chell thought back fondly to the simpler times when Wheatley was actively trying to kill her and GLaDOS was a potato. How she missed that.

_**No bloody way I o-mouthed in all the shock.**_

Wheatley fumed. "I. DON'T HAVE. A MOUTH."

"_Then stop talking,"_GLaDOS said.

_**"How can she life wen her hed sodding exploded?" I britished at him for tryin a get my hopes up. "Rember that she has the speshal powers, **_

"How can we forget?" Chell said irritably. "You remind us _every single chapter_."

_**one of them is that wen she eats the zombee taters instead of become a zombee wen she dies she just becomes alife a gain!" It all made sense, the turrent was a bloody geinus! **_

"_If "genius" is synonymous with "complete and total idiot" in this story, then yes, the Oracle Turret is."_

Chell considered asking GLaDOS how she knew of the Oracle Turret but opted against it.

_**"Common lets wankin go!" **_

Wheatley shuddered. "The _language_ in this story. Not for the eyes of mini-humans."

"Do you mean children?" Chell said.

"Oh, is that what you call them?"

_**The Oracle Turrent ranned fast an I rolled on my rale right to the zombee taters quikly we grabbed up all of them **_

"With _what_?" Chell said. "You don't have _hands_."

_**an got back to Marrissa body. I coldnt help but cry at the site of my troo love with head all open an messy. **_

"_Now this is out of character," _GLaDOS pointed out. _"A moronic, power-hungry AI couldn't possibly feel emotion for the death of a human being." _

In turn, GLaDOS couldn't possibly feel emotion for such a poorly written character.

**"Its ok Wheatly soon she will life!" The turrent made me more happy an we started stuffin the buggerin taters in Marrissas mouth. Then she started coffin **

"She turned into a coffin?" Wheatley said.

"_For once, this author's come up with interesting plot development. Unintentional, yes. But interesting.__**"**_

_**an all the blood was got healed. "W Wheetly?" She asked in the most butiful voice in the hole portal worled.**_

_**"Oh Marrissa I thot you were bloody gone for wankin ever!" **_

"I _wish_ she was bloody gone for wanking ever," Chell said, mocking Wheatley's British accent.

_**We hugged an kissed an things was gettin hot an heavy so the Oracle Turrent left becos he didant want to see that kinna stuff. **_

"Are you implying I did... THAT with a human!?" Wheatley's optic nearly popped out of his frame. "What kind of evil, twisted maniac thinks of something so horrid!?"

"Hey, you're the one who put GLaDOS in a potato," Chell said.

"_Which I'm still going to punish you for after we finish this," _GLaDOS added. She paused for a moment, reflecting on Wheatley's character. _"You know, amongst the many things this story inaccurately portrays about us, I think the one thing the author got spot-on is your voice."_

"That's not true! I don't really talk like that, do I?" Chell said nothing. "Do I!?"

_**MEANWHILE IN THE PAST**_

"Isn't anyone going to answer my question!?" Wheatley said anxiously.

_**Teen Fortress 2 was MAD an PEEVED at Gabe Jonson an his dotter Marrissa Roberts for killin there leader Cave Jonson. **_

"And to think I always thought it was those gosh-darn moon rocks that did him in!" Chell said.

_**They wanted ervange speshally on Marrissa sinse with out her Gabe wold not have been a hard fight. "We shold right a mean things on her facebook page!" **_

"_What an upstanding, mature group of people." _

_**The evil Heavy dummed. "No you idot this is the past facebook isnt invented yet!" **_

"What year are we even in now?" Wheatley asked.

"No idea," Chell answered. "As far as I care it could be 1492."

_**The evil Medik extricated. All of em was angry but coldnt thing of a way to revenge Marrissa when the evil Ingineer got a idea. **_

"_Here's an idea," _GLaDOS suggested, _"force her to read classic literature."_

_**"I no! We will create an evil clone of Marrissa an send it to the futur an kill her!" It was a good plan. **_

"No, two Marissas is a _terrible _plan. It's bad enough having to deal with one!" Chell said, already fed up with one Marissa.

_**After school the teen fortress all gotted together at evil Ingineers hose **_

"Must have been one pretty giant hose," Chell said. Wouldn't they all suffocate in a hose anyways?

_**an builded the clone mashine. "But we dont have dna evidance?" Evil Sniper said in sexay british aksent. **_

"What is the appeal of British accents!?" Wheatley said.

"_I have no idea," _GLaDOS responded. _"You're living proof that the accent is downright repulsive." _

_**But the evil spy lolled an pulled out some thing. "I stolled some of her hare **_

"When did Marrissa get a pet rabbit?" Wheatley said.

**just in case we needed it for some thing." **

"A stranger swiping a girl's lock of hair?" Chell said. "That's not creepy at all!"

_**He frenched an gave evil Ingine the hare an they started to clone Marrissa. **_

"Cloning is that easy? I wanna try it!" Wheatley said enthusiastically.

"_You are_ not _getting your nonexistent little hands on any technology beyond a printer," _GLaDOS said.

_**A few mins later the clonin was done an a gurl stepped out hoo looked kinna like Marrissa but more evil an mean with angry face. **_

"_So no change really."_

_**"I am Assiram Strebor an I will kill Marrissa Roberts!" **_

"Let me guess: to be continued?" Chell said.

_**TO BE CONTINUED!**_

Chell sighed. "I don't know why I get my hopes up."

_**OH NO! CAN MARRISSA STOPS HER EVIL CLOWN? **_

"_The real question is will anyone care?"_

_**FIND OUT NEXT TIME ON ITS MY LIFE!**_

* * *

><p>"This story makes no sense," Chell muttered, staring vacantly at the panels. "None at all. The Companion Cube could write a more coherent story."<p>

If Chell was near-catatonic, Wheatley was a mess of an Intelligence Dampening Sphere. Had he been exactly like his fictional self in the story, he would indeed be crying, "bloody bukets of robottears." But alas, all he could do was whimper about potatoes and cloning.

GLaDOS observed her two worst enemies, taking careful notes about their psychological states. If this story could break a soulless monster like Chell, GLaDOS gleefully imagined what it would do to a human with a conscience!

Chell solemnly got up. "I need to go... re-think my life choices. Maybe join a church."

_"If you're thinking of escaping, the only place to go is the incinerator," _GLaDOS chimed in. _"But I'm sure you're used to that by now."_

"Relax, I'm just going to go sit in the corner. _Alone_."

Chell left Wheatley to deal with GLaDOS alone and walked to the farthest corner in GLaDOS's chamber. Really, the distance between her and GLaDOS was only a few more feet. Chell could use her imagination. With a sigh, she plopped herself down and leaned against the wall. Then she noticed something odd.

The panel a few feet in front of her was loose. A possible escape route? Chell quietly pried it open and ducked her head in.

Bad news: the tiny room she'd stumbled upon was _not _an escape route. It was another one of the dens she'd often ran into in the test chambers. Empty bean cans and water bottles lay untouched. A broken paintbrush discarded a long time ago. And at the opposite end of the den was a giant mural.

Chell was no stranger to the multiple murals scattered around Aperture. But this mural... no other mural gave Chell the shivers like this one.

The mural featured a pile of potatoes. Orange and Blue were drawn holding beer bottles, toasting each other. Chell herself was drawn lying to the side, her behind conspicuously absent from the drawing. GLaDOS, the menacing overlord of Aperture, was also in the mural: tears pouring from her optic and holding an Avril Lavigne CD. Then at the very top, standing on all the potatoes stood a woman who looked very much like Chell only hotter and sexier. She was clutching a blushing Wheatley to her voluptuous chest.

And over the entire mural in thick black paint, somebody had scrawled, "Marrissa ish herre."


	14. Assirram?

**A/N: So I'm trying a new formatting with the MST part of the story for this chapter at the suggestion of a reader. Let me know which style works better! If this style works better, I'll probably end-up redoing the earlier chapters after I finish this story!**

* * *

><p>"Oh god," Chell whispered.<p>

She blinked a few times, just to confirm that the mural was real and Marissa was indeed, "herre." The mural remained very tangible and very not-a-trauma-induced-hallucination Chell thought she might scream, but what good would that do? She turned back to her companions.

"Guys! You might want to see this!"

Chell's outburst interrupted GLaDOS and Wheatley's bickering about whether Marissa's name was spelled with one r or two. The two AIs turned toward their horrified human companion slowly backing away from the panels. A pathetic sight really, GLaDOS thought. Still, Chell's obvious fear _did _send joy through GLaDOS's system. It was like seeing Chell solve a test only better because Chell was visibly frightened and GLaDOS had recorded her reaction.

Wheatley perked up. "Did you find a way out? Because you know, if you did, I could probably get into it. With my hacking skills. My _genius _hacking skills, I might add."

Her speech rendered mute out of sheer terror, Chell shook her head and pointed a shaky finger toward the loose panel. GLaDOS obligingly lifted the panel back along with several others, revealing the unfortunate mural in full.

"_Well. Look at that,"_ GLaDOS remarked._ "Someone besides you has been vandalizing my facility."_

"That's... that's... _that's_ what you're focusing on!?" Chell sputtered.

Meanwhile, Wheatley focused on something entirely different: his own ego. "AHA! See? I told you her name was spelled with two r's!"

Chell stared in disbelief at the two AIs. "We're all looking at the same thing, right? This prove's Marissa Roberts is real! She's real and she's in this facility and she drew us all like characters in the story!"

_"As much as your distress entertains me, there is no Marissa Roberts," _GLaDOS said. _"All this message proves is that a rat has been listening in on our story. A rat who, by the way, didn't heartlessly murder the Companion Cube like you did."_

"So... Marissa _isn't _real, right?" Wheatley asked nervously.

_"Of course not. I'll send Orange and Blue to retrieve our little rat though. I've been needing to give him proper thanks for orchestrating my demise anyways. In the meantime, we have a story to read. And you two have suffering to go through."_

"I think I'd rather swallow Repulsion Gel," Chell said. Nonetheless, she resigned herself to yet another chapter and returned to the screen.

* * *

><p><strong><em>AN WHAT IS EVER ONE SAYIN A BOUT WANKER AN WANK? I THOT THEY WERE BRITISH INSULT WORDS AN NOW PEPOLE ARE SAYIN THERE NOTTY STUFF? OMG!<em>**

"I'm not even British and I know that!" Wheatley yelled. "How does this person even _type_!? How do they even function!? HOW!?"

_"Well, if you can function on a daily basis, I think there's hope for anyone."_

"Would you stop doing that!?" Were he not an adorable sphere, Wheatley's outburst might have actually been effective. His dejection instead brought GLaDOS even more enjoyment.

**_PS THIS CHAP IS IN TH EPAST SO ITS THIRD PERSONAL._**

Chell perked up. "Does this mean Marissa's not in this one?"

_"Her even more unbearable counterpart is."_

**_ITS MY LIFE!_**

"Well, it's _my _time you're wasting," Chell muttered.

**_CHAPTER FORTEEN: HOW CAROLINE BECAMED GLADOS: THE FIRST EVIL OF ASSIRRAM_**

_"I can hardly wait to see the author skew my existence. Just like everything else about this facility."_

**_"I am Assirram Strebor an I will kill Marrissa Roberts!"_ **

"Then you'd better get in the back of the line," Chell said.

**_The evil clone said to Teen Fortress 2 who happied. "Wate! How can we be shure that shes evil enouf to really kill her?" The evil Solder questoned. "We will do a test to make sure shes reel evil." _**

_"I'm certain you'd pass that test with flying colors," _GLaDOS said to Chell.

**_The evil Ingineer answered becos he was the boss of there plan. "Assirram you must do an evil thing to proove yur abilities."_**

"She could fail to catch someone when he's about to disengage himself off his management rail," Wheatley suggested. "That's _highly _evil. At least an 8."

"Are we just going to spend this chapter talking about every horrible thing I've done in my life?"

_"It isn't our fault that evil is the _only _thing you've done in your life," _GLaDOS replied. _"By the way, I just wanted to remind you that you being here is entirely your own fault. So reflect on that while you read the rest of this story." _

**_He ordered an Assirram nodded with a "im gonna kill some body" look on her feces. "Okay f****** b**** ill g******** kill some b******!" Assirram said _**

"Hoo boy, more censored swearing," Chell said. "I wonder what could _possibly _be the uncensored version."

"Is it, 'Okay federal bots I'll gleefully kill some beakers'?"

Both GLaDOS and Chell stared at Wheatley like he had just turned into the author of this story.

"It could be anything underneath those little asterisks!" the little core said sheepishly.

**_(she seys a lot of cusses becos shes really evil) an did a evil LOL._**

"So since you never spoke at all during tests... maybe that doesn't make you evil?" Wheatley said to Chell.

_"Some curses go unspoken," _GLaDOS said. _"Much like neurotoxin."_

**_Assirram gotted out of the evil Ingineers hose an started lookin for a victum when she seed Gabe Jonsons house. "I herd he changed his name to CAVE JONSON affer are leader his ded brother so Ill do evil to hiim!" She thot with evil thots. _**

"Just like I read with anguished reading!" Chell said.

"And I talk with... talky talking!" Wheatley added.

**_Insid Gabe Jonson an his frend Ratman was buildin a robot body for Caroline an it was almost done. "Compleet! Now we jus have to turn in on." Ratman siensed so CAVE flipped das switch an the robot mashine started movin an look round._**

Chell stated, "And this is _exactly_ what happened when GLaDOS was activated. No neurotoxin, no mass murder, this is the completely and absolutely one hundred percent true account of what happened."

_"Your penchant for sarcasm is almost as large as your penchant for murder."_

"I have many talents."

**_ "Gabe is that you?" Caroline asked? "Yes Carlion I have builted a rbot body for you it is called GLaDOS also I changed my name to CAVE in onor of my head brother."_**

_"Did you know there's a theory that certain names bring bad luck? For instance, people named Cave have a tendency to die from their own experiments. Maybe this character will have better luck than the other Cave. Or worse. It _is _just a theory."_

**_Ratman started to leaf becos this was a privat family moment. As we walked to the door he seed a girl outsid that was hot an pretty but kinna mean lookin._**

_"The author excels at ensuring we never have to figure out who the antagonists are," _GLaDOS said.

"Yeah!" Chell concurred. "If you'd been this obviously evil when I first started testing, I'd have murdered you much sooner!"

_"Are you _really _in a position to bring that incident up?" _The underlying threat silenced Chell.

**_"Ah this must be Caves future dotter Marrissa Roberts!" Ratman said out lowd an let her in but it wasnt Marrissa it was... ASSIRRAM! _**

"SHOCKER!" All three readers shouted with equal amounts of sarcasm.

**_Assirram walked thru the halls an got to the GLaDOS robot an Cabe Jonson hoo were makin out. "I hope Im not interruptin any thing lol" Assirram lolled so Gave an Caroloin an Cave stopped kissin an looked an saw Assirram. "Marrissa are dotter you returned for a visit!" They both exclamation with happy. _**

GLaDOS turned to Wheatley. _"I think I may have finally found minds more moronic than yours. Congratulations."_

"Oh! Well, that's good- you did that thing again!"

_"I have no idea what you're talking about."_

"The _thing _where you... ARGH!" Wheatley said. "At least this author portrays me as the good guy I rightfully am."

"You tried to make me jump into a bottomless pit," Chell said.

"THAT WAS ONE TIME!"

**_"Yep an I see you made Caroline a new robot bod." Assirram smied becos her plan was workin an they didant notice that she wasnt Marrissa. "Ill leaf you to alone for some mother dotter bondin time ok?" An Gabe went to go talk to Ratman._**

_"Pity you didn't attend Bring Your Daughter to Work Day," _GLaDOS said. _"It would have been a worthwhile occasion for us. Mostly me though."_

**_Caroline was soooo happy that Marrissa was back she thot when Assirram started smilin all evil like a bad clown or the Joker an then... SHE PUT A COMPUTER VIRUS IN CARALINE! _**

"So is this really what happened when they activated you?" Wheatley asked out of genuine curiosity.

GLaDOS glared at him. _"No. But I do know what happened when they activated you and well... let's just say something went horribly wrong. I won't get into specifics, but I see where you absolute lack of intelligence stems from.__"_

**_"No!" GLaDOS screemed as the virus started to turns her evil. "Why wold you do this Marrissa?/!" Gabe Jonson yelled from the windo. _**

"Why not? This makes just about as much sense as everything else she's done in this story!" Chell said.

**_She lolled meanly an said "I am not Marrissa I AM ASSRAM!" _**

"Ha." Chell giggled. "It's funny because that typo is... I've been reading this story for too long."

"You humans and your swear words!" said Wheatley. "You act like they're so... wait, is that _really _what the author wrote? That's bloody hilarious!"

Chell and Wheatley laughed awkwardly together then subsequently broke down crying.

**_An then Caraline turned full evil into GLaDOS. "NOW I AM EVIL AN I WILL KILL YOU WITH THE NEROTOKSIN!" Befour the cold do any thing Assirram went gone back to the evil Ingineers house. Gabe screemed "NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!" An he screemed it really lowd._**

_"This is tragic. Not the story, of course, knowing that this data took up space on a computer. That space could have been used for science. Or holding a virus to lobotomize the author."_

**_The evil Teen Fortes 2 was watchin the hole thing on there tv camra (but it was black an wite becos its the past so they coldnt see the nerotoksin becos it was green an not black or white so it didant show up). _**

"Ooh, I just got an idea!" Wheatley exclaimed. "_Transparent neurotoxin_."

_"Impressive. You just broke your own record for World's Dumbest Idea." _Not wanting to inflate the moron's ego, GLaDOS made a note to steal his surprisingly clever idea and remove his voice box before he could object.

**_Assirram came in from the door an all were cheerin at her. "You are reelly evil Assirram the plan will work!" The evil Ingineer congradulationed. "Indeed im so evil that Im gonna betray you!" An she pulled out a mashine gun an started to shoot up the evil Teen Fortress 2 becos she was just THAT MEEN!_**

_"Congratulations. You are now a member of the Society of Evil Humans. They meet every Friday to discuss how to murder innocent AIs who only want to further science. Chell is president."_

"Hey!"

**_Then Assirram seed the nettle that gived you powers lick Marrisssas so she injekted it into arm an alls went glowy an electric. _**

Chell squinted at this sentence. "Trying to figure out the correct spelling of this sentence is harder than Test Chamber 18."

**_"Now I have POWERS so I can kill Marrissa an her dumb robot ball boyfrend to an maybe take over the hole world!" She lolled with the most evil ever. But then she realized... how wold she get to the future with the evil Teen Fortress 2 died?_**

_"Perhaps you could lock yourself in a box and stay there until you wither away and die,"_ GLaDOS said._ "It won't get you there, but it would matter just as much as your current state of being."_

**_"Ill just make the good Teen Fortress force me to make a time mashine an maybe kill them after words." She thot smartly but it was a evil smartly like a mad sientist._**

"So... like GLaDOS," Chell said.

_"You're one to talk," _GLaDOS replied. _"How's that guilty conscience coming along?"_

**_Assirram used the fly power to fly to school were Gave Jonson an Ratman were givin Teen Tortes 2 the down lo. "An then the evil clone putted a comuter virus in GLaDOS an she turnsed evil!" Gabe was cryin wile Ratman gaved him tishyous._**

"Aw, that's kind of sweet! They support each other!" Wheatley remarked. "Love that whole teamwork thing."

"Which is why you went mad with power 30 seconds after you were plugged into the mainframe, right?" Chell said. Her biting comment stung at poor Wheatley. He had a horrible feeling that it would take a 169,766-word fanfic to redeem himself of that little incident.

**_Assirram flewed out to them at Portal High School an used her powers to makea glowy gun like in Green Latern (that movie was dum but he had cool powers I think Marrissa will have them to)._**

"This story is a great reminder of how long I was in cryogenic storage!" Chell said as another pop culture reference went over her head.

**_"Built me a time mashine or Ill kill you all!" Assirram ponted the gun at Cave Jonsons head an coked the trigger. "OK OK WELL DO IT DONT SHOT!" The Ingineer screemed an they worked fast to build the time mashine._**

"I'll bet you I could build a time machine!" Wheatley said. "I mean, if these imbeciles can do it, how hard can it be? Then I can go back in time, warn my past self about the reactor core, then portal _that _to the moon instead of ending up on the moon myself!"

GLaDOS gazed derisively at Wheatley._ "I know you're programmed to generate terrible ideas, but sometimes I think you actively try to."_

Wheatley's pride diminished, he retorted, "At least I didn't spend days as a POTATO! Getting eaten by birds! Which you did! In case I wasn't clear! See? Two can play at the insults game!"

_**Assirram got itn an prepared to go to the future. "Marrissa will stop you you cant win!"**_

_"Very true,"_ GLaDOS said, _"That would indicate the author knows how to write real conflict."_

**_Cave Jonson said but Assirram just lolled an turned on the time mashine an flash bang boom she was gone to the future. "Marrissa has to powerful enouf to stop her shes the worlds only hope!" Ratman said with brave an they all nodded._**

"The future of the world lies in the hands of Marissa bloody Roberts," Wheatley said. He stared blankly at the text. "We're doomed."

"...I guess I could always portal us back to the moon?" Chell suggested weakly.

**_TO BE CONTINUED!_**

**_I GOT A REVIEW SAYIN I WAS JUMPIN THE SHARK (ITS A TV WORD) AN I AM KINNA RUNNIN OUT OF IDEAS_**

_"You're implying that you had enough ideas to generate a piece of literature in the first place," _GLaDOS said snidely.

**_SO I THINK ONSE MARRISSA FIGHTS ASSIRRAM ILL END THE STORY BUT IT WILL BE THE MOST EPIC AN ENTENSE END YET SO MAYBE THE LAST ONE WILL BE CHAPTER 20? FIND OUT!_**

* * *

><p>"I just realized something!" Wheatley said excitedly.<p>

"That we still have four chapters to go?"

"That too! But Assirram... is Marrissa spelled backwards!" Wheatley proclaimed.

"Unless Marissa _is_ spelled with one r," Chell pointed out. "Then otherwise, it... why am I even putting more thought into this story than the author did!?" She groaned and assumed the Party Escort Position.

Always willing to crush Wheatley's spirit, GLaDOS said, _"Astounding. Your rate of information processing is _almost _as terrible as your ability to test. You've truly gone above and beyond being a moron."_

"I. AM NOT. A- well, what if I am?" Wheatley said defiantly. "What's so bad about being a moron, huh? We can't all be mean, mega-smart AIs like you! Maybe I _like _being a moron! Ever thought of that? So really your words have no effect on me!"

_"I couldn't tell," _GLaDOS said with enough sarcasm to choke a test subject.

Chell was in pain, Wheatley was distressed over being a moron, and GLaDOS reveled in it all. No change really from past chapters. The harmless banter between the three of them brought over a sense of reassurance. Reassurance that they were indeed the only three sentient beings in the facility and that someone else was _not _creeping through the walls, watching and listening in on them.

Yet Chell, Wheatley, and even GLaDOS couldn't quite shake the feeling of being watched.


	15. Britsult?

"I spy something... white!"

"It's a panel."

"_No_! It's... okay, well yes, it's a panel but not the same one from the last time!"

With Orange and Blue off searching for their mysterious artist, the reading of the Marissa Roberts atrocity was at a standstill. Chell didn't mind in the least, but that left her alone and unoccupied with two AIs who had tried to kill her. One who couldn't grasp the basics of I Spy.

"I spy something pink!"

Chell pinched the bridge of her nose. "Wheatley, there is nothing pink in here."

"That's because you aren't looking hard enough!" In truth, Wheatley had resorted to making up colors to win the game.

Chell glanced over at GLaDOS. The AI had devoted 90% of her brainpower to combing the facility and the other 10% to insulting Chell. Luckily, the search left her quieter than usual.

_"There." _GLaDOS arched her chassis the same way a snake did before lunging in on its prey. _"Orange, Blue, bring him here. Don't bother with the Companion Cube. He'll be fine without it."_

GLaDOS pulled the dreaded story back up on the screen. After thirty minutes of free time, Chell grimaced seeing the spelling errors, plotholes, and poor characterization again. Fourteen chapters in and she thought the story would have a numbing effect. Instead, it seemed to get worse, like an untreated infection.

_"Our rat should be here shortly," _GLaDOS said. _"Until then, we'll read the next chapter."_

"Do we have to read another chapter just yet? I'm getting really good at I Spy! Watch!" Wheatley made a show of looking around the central chamber. "I spy something... evil!"

_"That's not a color, moron."_

"No, but it is _you_!" Wheatley said. "Because you're-"

A claw zoomed down toward Wheatley and plucked him off the floor.

"Nononono not again! I'm sorry, I didn't mean it!" Wheatley cried. "Please don't crush me again!"

But crushing was too good for him. GLaDOS opened the incinerator and dangled the little core over it. _"_I_ spy a core on fire. Can you guess who it is?"_

"M-me?" Wheatley stammered.

_"That's right." _GLaDOS closed the incinerator set him down. _"Now why don't you start reading before I change mind?"_

* * *

><p><em><strong>AN YOU GUYS ARE SOOOOO MEAN IM GETTIN ALMOST ALL FLAMEZ<strong>_

"I wonder why," Chell said.

_"Surely it's not your astounding writing skills," _GLaDOS added.

"Yeah, this story's terrible!" Wheatley said, thus breaking the stream of sarcasm.

_**IF NOT FOR BUSINESS GUY WITH HIS FAN ART AN SEFERAL AN CAT WORLD WITH HER AWDIO BOOK READINS SO BLIND PEPOLE CAN HEAR THE STORY **_

_"To anyone blind who listened to this story, Aperture Science gladly offers to emancipate your eardrums."_

_**AN ALL THE OTHER GOOD REVIEWS I WOLD GIVE UP!**_

"If only..." Chell said. Who would possibly give this story a good review? Did they know just what kind of power they'd given the author of this story?

_**MAYBE MY STORY IS JUMPE THE SHARK SO ILL END IT SOON.**_

"Yes!" Wheatley and Chell shouted in joy.

"Did you hear that?" Wheatley said. "The story could end soon!"

"I did!" Chell picked the core up and hugged him like a flotation device. "We're so close!"

_**PS THIS CHAPTRE TAKES PLACE AT THE SAME TIM AS CHAPTER 14**_

"But not close enough," Chell said. She glumly set Wheatley back down.

_**ITS MY LIFE!**_

_**CHAPTER FIVETEEN: THE JUDGEMENT OF ATLAS AN P-BODY**_

"Guilty!" Wheatley shouted.

"Wheatley, they haven't even been judged yet," Chell whispered.

"You can't handle the truth!"

_**I was a life a gain an was soooo happy becos Wheatly saved me. He was the best boyfrend a girl cold ever have in the hole world. **_

"You know, as awful as this story is... Wheatley and Marissa seem to have a pretty loving relationship," Chell mused.

_"You do realize you're referring to a psychopathic, self-centered lunatic and Marissa Roberts, don't you?"_

Chell buried her head in her knees. "I just want to find _one _positive thing about this story. Indulge me. Please."

_"Very well." _GLaDOS could more than happily savor Chell's broken state of mind.

_**"Oh Wheatly I love you sooooo much." I telled him an Wheatly blushed an was kind a nervos. **_

The real-life counterpart narrowed his optic in confusion. "_Another _human thing? If this author likes making me do human things so much, she might as well make me a bloody human!"

_"You as a human?" _GLaDOS laughed dryly. _"You would likely forget to breath then swallow your tongue in an ill-fated endeavor to communicate."_

_**"Aww it was no thing Marrissa Im just bloody glad yur ok." I hugged my robot ball an we were both the happiest ever. "Marrissa theres some thing I need to ask you..." Wheatly said blushin. **__**"'Will you merry me?"**_

"_According to the Laws of Robotics, marriage or any union between a human and a robot is unlawful and unethical," _GLaDOS stated. _"Well, there you have it. Science says you both have to die." _

_** I o-mouthed an yelled "OMG OF CORSE WHEATLY!" An then I kissed him harder than I ever did befour an it made him go sparks.**_

Wheatley groaned. "Why do _I _have to be the one to do all the kissing?"

"It could be worse," Chell said.

"Says you! You haven't been in the story for ages! I have to read this and watch my endearing and charming personality get completely defiled!"

"Endearing" and "charming" were highly subjective terms, but Chell kept that thought to herself. Poor Wheatley was already in enough emotional anguish.

_**After we were done kissin I rembered why all this happened...**_

"I remember coming home from work then getting knocked on the head by two robots and dragged back here," Chell said. "Maybe I'm in a coma and this all just one long, vivid- ow!"

A claw pinched Chell's arm. Definitely not a nightmare then.

_**ATLAS AN P-BODY SHOTTED ME! They needed to be brot to judgement so I scowled an punched hands to gether. "Marrissa whats wrong oh yeah we need to bloody get back at those buggers Altas an P-Body!" I nodded an we got up to look for them. **_

_"The suspense is killing me."_ GLaDOS thought for a moment. _"Or one of my circuits is malfunctioning. Probably the latter."_

_**My powers were glowin like crazy round me with sparks and lighting, Wheatly was on his rale makin growls an sayin stuff to encorage me like "You can bloody do it Marrissa. Wank (TURNS OT IT REALLY IS A BRITSULT) them good!"**_

"So if I insult someone, is it an Amerisult?" Chell said.

_"No, it's just sad."_

_**We followed a trale of drugs beer an playboy mags to there layer.**_

"Well, that's not really a proper lair, is it? I should know! I had a fantastic lair!" Wheatley boasted.

_"The monstrosity that nearly blew this facility to pieces? Very impressive," _GLaDOS said. _"You created a standard by which all future Aperture Science employees know _not _to live by."_

"I don't know if that was a compliment or not, but I'm taking it as one!"

_**Some turrents that they got workin for them tried to shoot me up but I wasnt gonna fall for that a gain an had my shields at full power so the bullets bownced off me an hit them an they died.**_

"Wow!" Chell said with mock enthusiasm. "If I'd been this ridiculously powerful, getting out of here would have been-"

"HEATHENS!"

* * *

><p>For the first time, someone <em>not <em>in the story o-mouthed.

GLaDOS, Chell, and Wheatley looked up as Doug Rattmann burst into the central chamber followed by Orange and Blue. Sneaking around the facility left a layer of dirt on Rattmann, and he could have used a shave. But he was alive, which was more than Aperture's other employee's could say. Chell spied a few paintbrushes peaking out of the pocket of his lab coat. He also cradled a potato in his arms.

"Who is he anyways?" Wheatley asked.

_"Doug Rattmann," _GLaDOS replied. _"Former scientist. Current schizophrenic. He's been hiding in this facility for decades."_

"He…" Chell paused trying to find the right description, "looks like an artist."

Before GLaDOS made a permanent override on Aperture Science's staff, maybe Rattmann was a well-adjusted man. But the years in hiding turned him haggard and paranoid. Rattmann's eyes darted around the chamber, and he didn't seem to acknowledge the presence of everyone else.

Wheatley squinted at Rattmann. "Wait, if he's been here for so long, why haven't you tried to kill him?"

_"Trying to kill someone is astonishingly impossible when you're already dead." _Chell felt GLaDOS' optic boring down her neck. _"Isn't that right, Chell?"_

Under any other circumstances, Chell would feel sorry for Rattmann. However, her patience was thin enough, and he'd convinced her for a second that Marissa Roberts was indeed a real person.

"You!" Rattmann pointed a bony finger at the three of them. "You're all nonbelievers! Looking to lead the flock astray, poisoning our garden with your _lies_."

"What are you talking about?" Chell said incredulously. "There's no one else here."

Rattmann hurled the potato at Chell. "LIES!"

The potato hit Chell's head with a _thunk _and splattered to the floor. Wheatley stared at the mashed potato in horror. He leaned in toward Chell.

"I think he just may kill us. If you grab me, we _might _be able to make a run for it," Wheatley whispered. "Emphasis on the grabbing _me _and not just, you know, taking off on your own."

"If I'm going to be killed by a crazy potato-throwing man, the last thing I'm going to think about is grabbing you," Chell said, rubbing her head.

GLaDOS hadn't seen Rattmann in person for years. But his influence stretched over the crevices and hidden rooms of Aperture, and GLaDOS detested how much he'd vandalized her facility. So seeing him so decrepit and delusional was... well, almost as satisfying as testing.

_"You've been listening in on our story, haven't you Doug?" _

"It's more than a story!" Rattmann said emphatically. He gathered up his mashed potato and held it before GLaDOS. "It's a work spanning across timelines and universes! Something that transcends our very grasp on this reality! Marissa has blessed me with a gift of total clarity that you infidels mock so callously."

Chell frowned. "Wait, you _get _the story?"

"I get a chance at redemption!" Rattmann's bloodshot eyes glistened. "I walked a sinner's path. I put my faith in a false shepherd. But Marissa shed tears upon my eyes and directed me toward my true mission!"

"And what is that?" Wheatley asked nervously.

"I will shine the light of Marissa on others," Rattmann said, "so that they may also experience the same awakening I was gifted with. I will transcribe Marissa for all the world to see. And when she descends from her godly plane, _you _will fold as the very bounds of your existence stretch and grow blurred. Once you're begging for understanding, only then will you see what I am able to see!"

Chell knew Rattmann's current state of mind left him unreliable, but he gave one hell of a sermon.

_"Well, you haven't changed a bit," _GLaDOS said. _"If you were on your medication, you'd find this story just as absurd as the rest of us do."_

"I am merely a Prophet, but I know my mission," Rattmann said darkly. He whisked his paintbrushes out and scurried toward edge of the central chamber. He feverishly began creating another mural.

GLaDOS dismissed Orange and Blue and watched Rattmann at work. He muttered under his breath and kept turning to his right as if speaking with someone. Chell and Wheatley stared. Neither knew what to say.

_Should we do something? _Chell mouthed to GLaDOS.

_"Leave him. This is the perfect opportunity to finish the chapter."_

Neither Chell nor Wheatley objected.

* * *

><p><em><strong>Just lick I ekspected those two JERK ROBOTS were smokin drugs an drinkin beer (P-Body had a abortion becos shes a jerk an isnt pro-life the b****).<strong>_

_"As long as Orange and Blue are better test subjects, I could care less what they do in their spare time," _GLaDOS said. _"Play games, consume alcoholic substances, murder humans, none of that impedes on their testing quality. You on the other hand are a hindrance to testing and must be _eradicated._"_

_**"Well well weel if it isnt the biggest jerks ever." **_

"Well, well, well, if it isn't a poorly written sentence," Chell said.

_**I said an Atlas an P-Body looked at me an o-mouthed an got OH F*** looks on there feces. "How are you alife we shot in the head an blood an branes were ever where!" Atlas shocked an I lolled.**_

"I've been asking that for the last two chapters." Like any other plot point in the story, Chell had little hope for a plausible explanation.

_**"You jerks forgot the greatest power off all: TRUE LOVE!" **_

"_You're wrong," _GLaDOS said sinisterly._ "The greatest power of all is _neurotoxin_."_

_**An I fired a beem that made them start to glow an smoke (but not drug smoke sinse this hurt them). "You b**** what are you doin to us?" P-Body asked scarred but I didant listen and kept powerin up until BOOM BOOM BOOM they exploded.**_

"You know what this story could use?" Wheatley said. "Bombs. Real bombs. To throw at the story. Until it exploded."

_**"Thats end of Atlas an P-Body I said" Wheatly cheered an said "Good bloody riddanse!" to. **_

"And they added _so much _to the story," Chell said flatly.

_**I herd a clickclak noise an it was... THE ORACLE TURRENT! "Did some body need to get merried?" He asked lolling an me an Wheatly nodded with heads. **_

_"__I'm sure the Oracle Turret would invite his turret friends resulting in the world's briefest marriage. That would be a lovely wedding."_

_**"Wheatly do you take Marrissa Roberts to be yur lawful merried wife?"**_

"What!? I don't want to get married!" Wheatley cried.

_**"I bloody do!"**_

"I bloody don't!"

_**"Marrisser do you take Wheatly to be yur lawful merried hubby?"**_

"This is all moving too fast! I need some time to think this over! Preferably forever!"

_**"I do so much I ove you Wheatly!"**_

"NO!"

_**"Then by the powar bested in me I pronouns you man an wife!" Wheatly an I kissed an the Orca Turrent shot confedi at us. **_

"Aren't there supposed to be objections!?" Wheatley said. "I object! I object!"

_**Then we runned to one of the dorm places wich had a big bed with rose pedals on it.**_

Chell scoffed. "As if Aperture Science would have a giant bed with rose petals on it."

_"Well... never mind." _GLaDOS quietly deleted the Intimate Testing Initiative file.

_**"Now its time for are honeyman!" Wheatly happied an... (NO IM NOT WRITIN THAT YOU PERVS USE YUR IMAGINE)**_

"Ohhhh thank you!" Wheatley said. "I think reading that would just about break me."

GLaDOS corrected Wheatley._ "Anatomically, _you _would break _her_. The human body can only expand so far, and with someone of your dimensions-"_

"Nope! Not happening! I do not need to hear this!" Chell put her hands over her ears.

_**We didant notice at the time but a portal happened in the place where GLaDOS used to be befour I killed her in the final battle. A gurl stepped out hoo was lick me but less hot an pretty an more evil.**_

_**"Now I can kill Marrissa Roberts an take over the world!" Assirram lolled evily!**_

"I don't know about you, but I am all for a world ruled by Assirram," Chell said. "I mean, if she wins, Marissa loses, so that's all that matters."

_"Sacrificing the lives of millions to ensure the death of one. You haven't a changed a bit," _GLaDOS remarked.

_**TO BE CONTINUED!**_

_**OK GUYS I THINK THE NEXT CHAPPER MIGHT BE THE LAST ONE OR MAYBE THERELL BE AN EPILOG TO FIND OUT NEXT TIME!**_

"Or you could just put us out of our misery and stop now?" Wheatley suggested. "You're not gonna do that are you? Oh, you really aren't- well, it was worth a shot!"

* * *

><p>Rattmann stood up and admired his artwork. "Marissa is here. Soon you'll understand."<p>

Rattmann's new mural showed GLaDOS, Wheatley, and Chell all controlled through puppet strings by a shadowy figure. Eerily enough, the figure itself had puppet strings of its own controlled by the titular Marissa Roberts. None of them could figure out what he meant. Were there omniscient forces at hand, directing their actions? And if so, where did Marissa factor in?

* * *

><p><strong>AN: I am going to finish this damn story even if I have to write on the walls of my dorm. The last two chapters of IT'S MY LIFE! aren't really chapters, so the last real chapter I have to write commentary for is the next one. But we're close! Once again, thanks to everyone who stuck around. When I wrote the first chapter, I did not envision this story going on for years...**

**On an unrelated note, there's actually a whole wiki devoted to MarissaTheWriter's stories! It's pretty amazing seeing how expansive the Marissa universe has grown since IT'S MY LIFE! You should check it out.**


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